The Frenemy
The Frenemy...
Oof...this theme has been coming up heavily for the collective over the past couple of weeks and it doesn't seem to be going anywhere, so one of you out there must need to hear this message for your healing.
This will be a more vulnerable post. Everything I share is with the purpose of you seeing a part of yourself in my own experience to spark healing and radical self-acceptance within you. I believe deep healing happens when we see the humanness of others by relating to one another through our stories, freeing us from our own self-judgment, guilt, shame, and feeling alone.
Honestly, I've attempted to write this post several times over the past two weeks and decided to take it down each time because it felt too raw. I needed more space to process my own experiences, reground, and come back to a place of compassion for the humanness of the frenemies I've experienced in my life...and that simply takes time!
A frenemy can be anyone in your life who acts like they're on your team, but behind your back, they aren't. This can be a family member, a friend, a coworker or boss, and even a lover. While each of our stories is unique, we can all relate to this universal theme and it’s hard each time we experience it.
I’ve experienced this theme in all areas of my life and by people I never would’ve expected to betray me in this way. They’ve been the ones to tell me to my face that they’re “on my team” and yet, behind my back were defaming my character, manipulating the truth, and outright lying for their gain. Each time this happened I would be angry and deeply hurt because it generally was by someone whom I thought I could trust.
For most of my life, I kept quiet about this pain and never confronted the offender, because that’s what a “good girl” does in a highly dysfunctional, codependent, and enmeshed family system. (If you know, you know 🥴) As I’ve grown out of my toxicity and conditioning, I’ve become more aware of when it’s okay to have a conversation with the offender and when it’s best to just remain quiet and create space in the relationship by establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries.
These past four years specifically have revealed a lot of the frenemies in my life, and I’m thankful each time because it’s tangible proof of my personal growth, better boundaries, and raised standards. When you grow and change, not everyone can come along with you and that’s okay!
I could share plenty of personal stories about this theme, but the one I’m choosing to slightly open up about is regarding someone I did refer to as a friend and the inspiration behind this post. Honestly, the picture I used sums up most of my experience with her. I didn’t realize it at the time, but she was in deep competition with me the whole time we were connected. I’m not going to go into the details to support this perspective but I will share what my final straw with her was.
Last year, I confided in her deeply personal information to only find out that she shared it publicly to garner attention and support for herself within our local spiritual community. Not only was my trust violated and betrayed by this person, she made my pain about her. This wasn’t the only violation of trust or betrayal with this person but it was my tipping point. I’ve kept quiet about my experience with her except with a select few trusted people because I didn’t want to tarnish her reputation. Even though it wasn’t right, I know this came from a very triggered and wounded place for which I have deep compassion. We all deserve the dignity to heal at our pace and without interference, so I let it go and chose to let go of the connection.
I think it’s important to understand that a lot of times, this type of behavior stems from a place of envy, jealousy, anger, immaturity, and lack of self-awareness. More often than not, it points to a wound surrounding a deep lack of self-worth and feeling not good enough. So by simply being your amazing, vibrant, and valuable self, you trigger the *F out of this other person and now they view you as a threat. You're seen as their competition and will tend to see you as the reason they aren't "winning" at life (deflecting and blame-shifting). This helps keep their fragile ego intact because then they aren't the problem, you are. Well...that's the story they tend to tell themselves anyway!
If that person could just turn inward for a moment, they’d see that they possess the power to get that partner, job, lifestyle, car, skill, or whatever else they covet for themselves. I think it’s sad when anyone doesn’t see how beautiful and special they already are in the present moment. I’ve been there and that’s such a hard place to be, hence why I have compassion for anyone in this position.
If you’ve experienced a frenemy, know that whatever they’re projecting onto you isn't about you; it’s about the other person and how they feel about themselves. No matter the justifications or reasoning the offending person offers, you truly did nothing to deserve their behavior. I think it’s also important for you to know that there was nothing you could’ve done to prevent it from happening either.
So the next time you find yourself on the receiving end of this dynamic, I urge you to not retaliate but rather to extend them your compassion and empathy; that is really what the other person needs. Still, maintain your healthy boundaries, but no need to make them out to be your enemy as they’re already at war with themselves and you don’t need to become the external punching bag or distraction from their internal pain.
If you’re reading this and it describes you - that’s ok! No judgment here 😀 We’ve all been a frenemy to someone at one point in our lives - whether that’d be to another person or just to yourself. By investing in yourself and building healthy self-esteem, self-confidence, self-love, and self-worth, you’ll become less likely to externalize and lash out at another person in this way.
Hopefully this post has helped illuminate a different perspective on your own frenemy experiences and brought about healing ✨
