Spiritual Awakenings
Today marks the 4th anniversary of my 'Big Bang' spiritual awakening. While experiencing spiritual awakenings was not a new concept for me, this was by far the most dramatic and pivotal one that helped me truly get out of my way. I have completely shifted and changed for the better because of this event, and I'm very grateful for that! I don't believe I could've transcended my ego without this experience.
If this is a new concept for you, a spiritual awakening is essentially an experience that allows you to transcend the limitations of your ego to see a broader sense of truth or reality. We all experience these awakenings throughout our lifetime, but the intensity of integration varies each time. I like to think of these awakenings as the graduation phase or completion of a soul lesson.
When I think about that day and the events leading up to it, I can see so clearly that there was no way around it - it was bound to happen at some point. If I'm being honest, I'd played pretend most of my life up until that point. I faked having a happy marriage, being perfect in many ways, having my sh*t together in general, and focused on how my life appeared externally. I believed that if it looked like I had a perfect life and was happy, perhaps one day, those things might be true.
Well, long story short - it wasn't true for me.
My day started like any other, but I was completely oblivious that my body started shutting down a few days prior. I had just received a promotion (which I was thrilled to land), and life was finally starting to fall into place after starting over earlier that year. Little did I know that in less than 24 hours, I would be admitted to the hospital and have just about every test run on me to figure out what was happening with my body. Cancer, brain tumor, aneurysm, stroke - you name it, they thought I had it. I was in the hospital for 12 days and transferred to several different units throughout my stay as they continued to rule out each possibility. Eventually, they settled on diagnosing me with complications due to ingesting tainted herbal supplements because my symptoms began miraculously disappearing around days 7-10. The doctors believed this event to be a freak accident, but I know this to be divine intervention forcing me to get the help I needed and finally slow down.
Before this awakening, I thought I had life all figured out. I was stubborn, controlling, selfish, arrogant, untrusting, inconsiderate, closed off emotionally, disassociated from my body, had a very negative and victim mentality, was highly codependent and didn't know it, and was very inauthentic. If you would've asked me at the time if any of these things were true, I would've been offended and questioned why you'd even dare to think those things about me. The audacity - I was perfect! I refused to see my part in the chaos I continually created for myself and was in complete survival mode. I also failed to understand the impact I had on others.
Four years ago was the first time since I was young that I had zero control or power over what was happening to me. Not being in control of my body or environment and feeling like I had a near-death experience brought about a lot of confusion and uncertainty, and I lacked the skills needed to cope with all of this. Thankfully, after this event, I finally began therapy to process my trauma and took action to make the many needed positive changes in my life. Throughout the first year of post-healing, I began to understand how my life story, choices, and environment created this perfect storm of vulnerability within my body and contributed to my experience. Because of my professional training, I understand this on a much deeper level now.
My life has been far from easy, even from the very beginning. I was born to a very young mother who was 16 and had her fair share of pain and trauma and lost my father only a few weeks after I was born. This was just the beginning of the chaos that would remain the only constant in my life. I now understand that this all contributed to my body being attuned to thrive in chaos and my brain hardwired to believe life was painful and that I couldn't trust anyone - not even myself.
As I grew, I began resenting most of my family and made a personal vow that I wouldn't do life the same way they did. I began distancing myself from most of them and focused on building a life I took pride in. While externally I achieved this goal (I had the home, car, money, career, marriage, and life together before age 30), internally, I was not doing well. My deep lack of trust, abandonment wound, plethora of insecurities, and complete lack of faith kept me closed off to everyone and everything. When something amazing would happen, intellectually I knew that I was excited, but internally I could never actually feel excitement and joy. At the time, I didn't realize this wasn't normal and meant I was disassociated from my body.
Since I couldn't feel the messages of distress my body was telling me, my life was misaligned and I pushed through exhaustion and burnout rather than slowing down and honoring what my body needed. Rest - what was that? This was great for my career and I achieved a lot very quickly, but it wasn't without the heavy sacrifice of myself and my body. I was constantly chasing my life and finally hit rock bottom as a result of that behavior 4 years ago. My body gave out in a very dramatic fashion, and I was forced to finally stop pushing my way through life and ignoring my pain.
I had no choice but to rest and recover. I had no choice but to lean on other people for support. I had no choice but to heal from the inside out. I had no choice but to find my faith again.
I finally learned the lesson, the art of surrender, and restored my faith in God. While I was always very religious, I didn't realize I lacked genuine faith in God my entire life. I refused to surrender to His will because that required me to admit I wasn't in control of my life, and that was probably the #1 scariest thought I could have at that time. Once I surrendered to what was happening, accepted help from others, and admitted I needed to do internal work, my life made a turn for the better.
My recovery began very slowly. At first, my goals were simple - get up, get dressed (sometimes), bathe (sometimes), rest when I was tired, and only meet my basic needs. As a result of my experience, I suffered from C-PTSD and battled depression and anxiety for almost a year afterward. Those first few months weren't easy, but I'm thankful that I didn't run from doing the work. As my brain and body started to balance, my focus switched to addressing the many changes I needed to enact. I put up boundaries for the first time, started to prioritize myself and my needs, did heavy shadow work, processed my past traumas, reframed my thinking to a more positive mindset, let go of outdated beliefs and old stories, learned about myself and my family system, and reconnected with my faith in God. All of these roots anchored me into my new life, and I began feeling like my authentic self again for the first time since being a teenager.
As I continued to heal, I decided I needed more purpose in my life and changed careers. I became a life coach, reiki master, and intuitive reader to help others move along their healing journey. My work is so fulfilling and is equally beneficial for myself and the clients I work with.
Who I am today is drastically different than who I was 4 years ago.
Today I am kind, loving, empathetic, strong, courageous, secure, willing, respectful, considerate, brave, emotionally intelligent, connected, peaceful, calm, patient, responsible, stable, consistent, honest, filled with light, intuitive, detached, conscious, authentic - and most importantly, completely devoted to God and surrendering to his will. I have trust that I'm being led to the right place at the right time, connecting with the right people, and that I can trust my intuition without fail.
I have such deep gratitude for my life today. My personal story, the skills I've developed, and my intuitive abilities create this powerful trifecta that's absolute magic when helping others move through their healing journey. I think because I've lived so much life and had many varying experiences, it's easy for me to connect with many different types of people to help them rid themselves of shame - even if it's been with them for many, many years. My presence is grounded, safe, peaceful, and inviting because I've done the internal work to become the most authentic version of myself. It took years of relentless soul-searching and reprogramming to be this amazing, bada$$ version of myself that's present today! If I had the option to go back in time, I wouldn't prevent this day from happening because I'm so proud to be the person I've become as a result of my experience.
I fought hard for myself, the life I wanted to live, and said NO to continuing negative family cycles. I hope that by sharing my story, at least one of you reading this can accept yourself and your story more deeply. We all have a past, we each have lessons to learn, and we're all on different soul paths and timelines. Let's celebrate the uniqueness and stories of us all, using them as a source of inspiration rather than weaponizing someone's life and perpetuating the cycles of shame and negative patterning.
I encourage you to take some time today and reflect on your story through the lens of unconditional love and radical self-acceptance. Explore how the events in your life provided you the opportunity to grow and become the person you see in the mirror today. View yourself and your story from the highest perspective. What was the purpose of your experience? How did you transform as a result? What did you learn about yourself?
We all have deep wisdom within us from the experiences we've gone through. I hope that by revisiting your story from an enlightened place, you can see how amazing and powerful you are today as a result!
