Self-Sabotage
Self-sabotage. Oh yes, that old reliable option that permits us to step away from our goals, dreams, and commitments without feeling guilt and shame. We justify our decisions by projecting our insecurities onto another, blaming someone or something else, holding back communicating how we feel, procrastinating, succumbing to negative self-talk or self-criticism, making excuses for ourselves, becoming controlling, withdrawing, and avoiding. While this behavior may bring immediate relief from anxiety, fear, or confusion, it rarely brings long-term happiness and fulfillment. Self-sabotage is the number one way we all delay and block our blessings.
This behavior serves as a form of self-preservation, often helping us escape uncomfortable emotions or feelings of being overwhelmed, but the relief is only temporary. Eventually, the feelings come creeping back in because they were never resolved, there's still a current desire, or you're now living with regret because you missed an opportunity you wanted to take.
Self-sabotage shows up in all areas of life. With clients, I see this theme pop up most often right before a major breakthrough. Whether it's a client succumbing to negative self-talk, allowing fear to inform them of what's possible, choosing to cling to a diagnosis, or a reluctance to let go of their pain or past because it's become part of their identity, I can generally spot this as it begins to bubble up to the surface. Identifying and calling out the potential behavior might cause a moment of reflection and create an opportunity for the client to choose differently, but if someone isn't ready to face themselves, there's nothing that'll change that outcome.
We sabotage ourselves in so many ways throughout our lives. Maybe this theme shows up as not adhering to your diet and then becoming frustrated because you're gaining back the weight you worked hard to lose. Perhaps it's not sticking to a budget when saving for a vacation or down payment on a home, delaying or derailing your plans or dreams. What about at work? How about in your relationships? How about for yourself?
What tends to lie under the behavior of self-sabotage is generally a fear, a deep wound, or a self-limiting or outdated belief. Perhaps it's a belief that you're not good enough, that you can't have what you want, or that what you want doesn't desire you. Do you know if any of those things are even true? Have you communicated how you're feeling? Have you taken action toward your desire?
One of the most powerful shifts I've experienced around this theme came after completing inventory work over a year ago around my patterns within romantic relationships. I discovered that I had internalized a limiting belief that my ideal partner didn't exist, so I'd settle for partners that weren't a good match long-term. I was knowingly sabotaging my happiness by entertaining this dynamic. This belief was cemented into my subconscious at an early age by both my mother and father and continued to be reinforced throughout my life after any relationship ended. I was told that I asked too much, my standards were too high, I needed to settle for someone "nice and simple," and anything else to project their limitations onto me. My parents meant well, but the standards and life that I want for myself are much different than what they chose - and that's okay! Letting go of this outdated and limiting belief has made it much easier to recognize who and what is in alignment for me, and walk away or let go of people, places, and things that aren't.
Today this theme of self-sabotage is still very present in my reality, I'm human after all. Even with all my training, awareness, and capability to move through episodes of self-sabotage, they still happen. None of us are immune to this theme and we all experience it throughout our lifetime. There are still areas of my life that this theme is present in, but I no longer see that as a negative - I see them as an opportunity for personal growth. Whenever I recognize this theme, I take a step back to pause and reflect. I get clear about what I need to take action on, understand if it's only fear holding me back or if there's something else influencing my lack of readiness, and try to understand how my behavior is both serving me and harming me in the present moment and potentially the future. Now I consider the whole picture and get curious about what I want to do about it. I empower myself versus continuing the vicious cycle of holding myself back when I'm right at the edge of ending a pattern, obtaining a goal, or deciding to take action toward something I desire.
So the next time this familiar and comforting theme of self-sabotage pops up in your life, what will you do about it? Will you submit it, or will you choose to grow through it? Nothing worthwhile comes easy and without some level of discomfort. By choosing yourself and staying committed to honoring your path, especially when it becomes uncomfortable, you'll be able to overcome any obstacle and achieve all of your desires.
