Self-Promotion

I was out at dinner with a friend last night, and the topic of self-promotion came up as a red flag indicating emotional immaturity in a potential partner. My friend hadn't heard of this particular topic, and it wasn't until I processed the ending of my most recent relationship that I became aware of this problematic relational pattern. 

Now there's such a thing as healthy self-promotion, such as being able to share your personal and professional accomplishments - but this isn't what I'm talking about. 

When someone is self-promoting in a relationship, they are attempting to convince you of who they are without actually putting in the work to be that person. My ex was a master at self-promotion and would often start his soapbox speech with the line "I'm the kind of person who..." and then used his words to paint a picture of who he was vs. his actions. Do note that this is a manipulative tactic designed to influence or override another person's inner knowing or perspective for personal gain or benefit. All of this is an illusion and not based on reality.

Emotional immaturity is no joke and tends to be passed down generationally by emotionally immature parents with insecure attachment styles, addictions, untreated mental health problems, lack of deeper introspection or inner work, and trauma. It can manifest as narcissism, self-centeredness, and poor conflict management. The cycle repeats itself with each future generation until the pattern is recognized and broken. Speaking from my personal experience, all of these are true. 

I've had to work hard to grow out of this generational pattern myself - so I'm throwing no shade here. When emotional immaturity is all you've known for yourself and those close to you, why would you think there's anything immature or unhealthy about your behavior or theirs? 

The best advice I can give you is to learn how to increase your self-awareness and integrate the information. YOU MUST DO THE WORK! Healing is not something that you can intellectualize, meditate, or wish to happen. To grow, you must put in the effort to properly retrain your brain to think more positively and attune your nervous system towards healthy and secure attachment. 

Moving towards secure attachment is a process that doesn't happen overnight; instead, it materializes one shift and healthy choice at a time!