The Narcissist
My, my, does this term get thrown around out there looser than a hooker on a Saturday night in Las Vegas. Before you get your panties all in a bunch by my comment, it is possible to have fun and joke around about heavy topics while respecting both the victims and the perpetrators of this dynamic. If that's your vibe, then read on.
Pop psychology (not real psychology BTW) will have you believe that everyone is a narcissist, and that's simply untrue. One scroll thru TikTok and you'll think everyone you've found difficult to get along with is a narc. While true NPD is rare, more people do possess narcissistic traits or tendencies such as:
self-centeredness/self-focused/self-obsessed/vanity
arrogance
entitlement
grandiosity
lack of empathy
superiority complex
exploitation
controlling + domineering behaviors
egotism
fantasy preoccupation (fame, power, brilliance, beauty, etc.)
attention-seeking behaviors
manipulation tactics such as gaslighting, blame-shifting, projection, DARVO, and others
Lack of accountability
self-promotion/boastfulness/pridefulness
dismissing or being disrespectful of boundaries
habitual lying
being condescending + hypocritical
intolerance
reckless + self-destructive behavior
Whether you've experienced these types of individuals at work, in friendships, with romantic partners, or even in your own family, you know firsthand how difficult and destructive heavily self-focused individuals can be. They come in many "flavors" and wind up draining you of your energy and resources if you allow it. Just to be clear - this is a form of emotional abuse that robs the "victim" of their happiness, time, and self-esteem.
When you first "wake up" to this pattern, especially if you're on the receiving end, it's very common to research narcissism obsessively because it feels freeing to finally understand the craziness you lived for years without knowing it. As you peel back the layers, you'll likely realize this has been a relationship pattern with you and stems back to your family of origin. Here's a hint: overbearing, rigid, codependent, emotionally immature, low-value, neglectful, abusive, addicted, or highly critical parents tend to create this pattern.
Ending this cycle requires a deep dive into understanding codependency or other inner work to uncover where you're unbalanced, seeking fulfillment through another person, and why you accept toxic situations or people in your life.
Some powerful questions to ask yourself are:
Where am I not standing in my power?
Do I have proper boundaries? Do I honor them?
Am I self-sacrificing to be in this connection or accepted?
Am I being authentic?
Why do I seek out emotionally unavailable or unfulfilling people and situations?
Is this a genuine love connection or an unhealthy attachment (trauma bond)?
Narcissists are not monsters or mystical creatures to be feared, avoided, or vilified. Most started as highly sensitive and gentle children who, at some point in their early development, suffered deep wounding from their primary caregivers by either not providing proper care, nurturing, love, neglect, abuse, or failing to physically and emotionally protect them as children. A highly inflated ego was born from the need to self-protect.
Sometimes the opposite is true. A narcissist can also be created by being overly adored and praised by their family. In this dynamic, they may be treated as the "Golden Child" or put on a pedestal growing up, resulting in an overinflated sense of importance for even the most minor accomplishments such as caring for their children, cleaning, cooking a meal, or anything else a grown and functioning adult does without requiring a parade or other type of celebration or adoration.
The only power anyone has over you is the power you choose to give. Be sure to surround yourself with healthy people and environments whenever possible. Establish healthy boundaries and honor them, especially when dealing with highly toxic people.
Do whatever you need to remind yourself of your value. Your time and energy are a gift reserved for only those who deserve it.
