Pride
Pride is a complex emotion that can be part of healthy self-esteem and behind an over-inflated ego. This emotion falls under the spectrum of self-conscious emotions like guilt, shame, and embarrassment and relates to how we see ourselves and believe others see us.
When felt as a positive emotion, healthy pride is a direct result of being satisfied with one's accomplishments, creating a positive self-concept that fuels motivation, increases confidence, and generates perseverance.
The negative duality of pride manifests as feelings of superiority, entitlement, and an over-inflated ego. As a result, there could be a disregard for the feelings and needs of others, defensiveness, inflexibility, or an overall unwillingness to step outside of themselves. Unhealthy pride leads to an inability to admit mistakes, take responsibility for actions or decisions, and unwillingness to ask for or accept help, all of which harm relationships and an individual's personal growth.
You can see pride displayed in all types of relationships, and when two people collide with the opposing polarities of this emotion, disruption of peace tends to occur. When the light of a person with healthy pride shines so bright, it tends to stir the demons of the person with an unhealthy sense of it, causing them to lash out. This can look like devaluing or minimizing accomplishments, withholding or stonewalling opportunities, and sabotaging relationships to protect their fragile and over-inflated sense of self.
I've seen this a lot in my professional career, as I'm sure you have too, because it's common for companies to ignore toxic interpersonal dynamics. Sometimes it's blatant disregard, but most of the time it's just too difficult for organizations to recognize the dynamics at play and struggle to understand that they are often the root of poor performance, lack of teamwork, and the disruption in synergy. In my experience, the person (or people) with unhealthy pride appear as top performers because they are both very talented and actively dulling the shine of those around them. This can look like purposefully putting blocks in communication, sabotaging or stealing opportunities, instilling doubt, starting rumors to harm someone's reputation, taking credit for another's work, and much more.
In general, pride and ego are some of the top ways we sabotage connections and opportunities. Here's a list of some common ways unhealthy pride manifests:
Inability to Admit Faults: Refusing to apologize after an argument or turning the blame onto you. This behavior creates tension and resentment in the relationship due to the many unresolved conflicts. The root of this is often fearing appearing weak or vulnerable.
Fear of Rejection: Playing it cool, maintaining a facade of indifference, or acting disinterested is one way a person's pride tries to protect them from potential rejection. In dating, this looks like not expressing genuine feelings or interest due to the fear that the other person might not feel the same way. Openness and vulnerability are needed to create a healthy connection, so this behavior cuts off potential healthy connections and attracts toxic ones, perpetuating cycles of painful relationships.
Hyper-Independence: Reluctance to rely on or trust a partner creates emotional blocks in the connection. This excessive pride in one's self-sufficiency leaves your partner feeling unwanted, unneeded, and disconnected from you. If you've been single for a long time, this can be a potential block in finding and creating a genuine, healthy romantic connection with someone new.
Competitive Behavior: Trying to outdo another person's achievements, knowledge, or social status. This looks like constantly one-upping stories or accomplishments in an attempt to establish superiority which undermines the relationship and breeds resentments. Envy is also at the root of this behavior.
Arrogance and Superiority: When pride turns to arrogance, it can lead to disrespectful and dismissive behavior due to a sense of superiority. This can look like belittling a person's interests or opinions, along with other devaluing behaviors because they believe their opinions and values are more important or valid.
Avoidance of Vulnerability: Difficulty opening up emotionally for fear of exposing insecurities or weaknesses. This can look like avoiding deep conversations, keeping emotional distance, or refusing to work through conflict. Without vulnerability, you cannot build trust, safety, and intimacy which are all crucial foundational building blocks of healthy relationships. The root of this often stems from the lingering pain of past rejections.
Refusing Compromise: Rigidity and unwillingness lead to many power struggles and unresolved issues in a relationship. This can look like insisting things go your way without considering the other person's needs or perspectives.
So how has your pride contributed to you confidently moving forward in a positive direction? How has it held you back or sabotaged beautiful opportunities?
Did you hold yourself back from accepting your dream job because didn't feel you were ready or good enough? Did you allow a beautiful relationship to end because you only wanted to be right or wanted things your way? Did you lose a close friend because you felt envious and viewed them as competition? Did you have a new connection slip away because you were too afraid to show up, open up, or express your genuine interest?
No matter how your pride has gotten in the way of your happiness and peace, you possess the power to make a new choice and sometimes turn the situation around if it's not too late. If you aren't sure what to say, you may borrow my favorite line, "I fucked up." Simple, straight to the point, and universally understood. Of course, this is only the opener and needs to be followed up with a proper apology and changed behavior, but it's a perfect way to start over again or attempt to resolve a looming conflict.
Swallowing our pride is something we all face at times. There's no shame in admitting wrongdoing or that you made a mistake. Break through your pride by utilizing your vulnerability and see how different your outcome will be.
