Games
Games are fun unless they're the manipulative ones being played out in dating or inside romantic relationships. Withholding communication and testing loyalty or boundaries are examples of the games some adults play inside romantic connections.
Social media and the various relationship and dating 'experts' on those platforms will have you question how you show up in romantic relationships. The three-day rule, Black Cat and Golden Retriever, "If he/she wanted to they will", and other shitty 'advice' (yes I said it - it's stupid shitty advice and is plain manipulative) all contribute to the mess that is dating and romance in 2024. If this 'advice' is working for you, the only things you're attracting to yourself are toxic people, repeating painful relationship lessons, and swimming in a pool that is filled with insecure, surface-level, and emotionally unavailable options. These low-value options will not bring long-lasting happiness and success as they only work while both parties perpetuate toxic patterns.
I despise game-playing, an inflated ego, and inauthenticity so I am quick to call it out and turn down connections when it's present. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. What happened to just telling someone you are interested in getting to know them romantically and seeing if they are interested back? That seems a lot simpler compared to having to follow someone else's ridiculous dating rules if you ask me.
People choose to play games for various reasons such as insecurity, avoidance of vulnerability, and bad advice. Here are some of the most common manipulative games adults play in romantic connections:
Silent Treatment: This is withholding communication or affection as a form of punishment to incite feelings of guilt and force the other person to comply. It can look like ignoring text messages, giving your partner the cold shoulder until they apologize, or denying access to you until they give in to your demands. (Example: waiting to respond to your partner's text knowing it'll make them anxious because you're upset with them and want an apology.)
Playing the Victim: Characterized by consistently portraying oneself as the victim in every situation, this behavior is used as a means to escape responsibility or manipulate another person's emotions to get them to make amends, accept full responsibility for the conflict, or make them feel guilty. This can look like you voicing concern about your partner's behavior and then having them turn it around on you by stating they only acted that way because you did XYZ. (Example: I only lied to you because you make it impossible to be honest with you.)
Gaslighting: This insidious behavior deliberately makes the other person doubt and question their reality, memory, and self in general. This is done by twisting the truth, retelling events with just enough truth to support their perspective while making you doubt yours, or straight-up denial. A person gaslighting another will often make claims that their partner has a poor memory, is overreacting, or imagining things when being confronted with a behavior or action they are doing is harmful. (Example: "I never said that," or, "That never happened," when in fact it had.)
Love Bombing: Overwhelming the other person with an excessive and often inappropriate amount of attention and affection in an attempt to win them over, often quickly. This is done most often at the beginning of a relationship with an insecure or emotionally manipulative person and throughout an existing relationship as part of the abuse cycle. This manipulative tactic blinds the receiver to who the manipulator truly is by getting them emotionally invested in a relationship quickly and utilizing their body's naturally occurring happy chemicals against them. This creates a toxic love addiction cycle and trauma bonds that are hard to escape because your body will physically fight you, experiencing withdrawal symptoms no different from someone coming down from heroin or another chemical addiction. (Example: Grand gestures, professing love or rushing milestones too quickly, and excessive communication and affection.)
Inciting Jealousy: Using flirtation, mentioning ex's, comparing you to others, or showing interest in other people to make a partner jealous in an attempt to gauge feelings or interest. (example: talking about how attractive someone else is, comparing you to an ex, or anything else to provoke jealousy and gain reassurance.)
Triangulation: The act of involving third parties in the relationship to create tension, competition, and jealousy to gain control or manipulate the dynamics of a connection. This can be work, friends, family, ex's, or anything that drives a wedge in your connection. (Example: Constantly bringing up another person to make you feel insecure or create competition.)
Blame Shifting: Refusing to accept blame and placing it on the other person, even if they had nothing to do with it. The goal is to manipulate the situation to make the other person take full responsibility and apologize for whatever happened. (Example: I lost my job because you were too demanding of my time, making me exhausted and late to work resulting in my being fired.)
Withholding Affection and Sex: Using physical sex and intimacy as a means to gain power or control in the relationship. Affection and sex will be given as a reward for behavior the partner approves of while being withheld when they are displeased. If you are in a relationship with someone who has a sex addiction, this will be the most common form of manipulation tactic used. Due to the inconsistency that addiction in general brings, it might be hard to discern if the withholding of affection and intimacy is being done to manipulate and control you through punishment or if it's because they're actively indulging or binging in their addiction. (Example: Refusing affection or intimacy until XYZ behavior changes or they get something they want from you.)
Guilt-Tripping: This is where you are made to feel guilty for having your own needs, desires, or opinions, especially if they aren't beneficial to your partner as a means to control your behavior or get something they want from you. (Example: "If you really loved me, you'd do XYZ for me," or, "After all that I've done for you this is the least you can do.")
Mind Games: Using confusion, instability, and uncertainty to control another person or create dependency. This looks like playing hot and cold, sending mixed signals, or changing behavior unexpectedly. In general, this behavior is designed to keep a partner confused or uncertain about where they stand in the relationship. (Example: Being emotionally close one day and distant or MIA the next.)
Emotional Blackmail: Using threats, fear, or guilt to control a partner's actions or decisions, often involving exploiting their emotions and insecurities. (Example: Threatening to end their life if you ever leave them.)
Stonewalling: Similar to using silent treatment, stonewalling is refusing to engage in or shut down communication during conflicts as a means to refuse to address conflict in the relationship or to frustrate the other person. (Example: Saying "I'm not going to talk about this," walking away while the other person is talking to you, or hanging up the phone when you're arguing or someone is expressing feelings.)
Projection: Accusing your partner of actions or feelings that you are guilty of yourself. This is often done to deflect responsibility, and if you pay close attention, this is a common way people tell on themselves. So if it's not true for you, perhaps it's true for them. (Example: A partner accusing you of cheating when in fact they are the one being unfaithful.)
Playing Hard To Get: Pretending to be less interested than you are. This is a common game people play when a connection is new in an attempt to make the other person chase after them, work hard for their affection, or keep them on their toes. This can look like deliberately ignoring texts, delaying communication, or acting indifferent to create an air of mystery. (Example: Not being open with how you're feeling about the connection when asked directly but rather saying "I guess you'll have to wait and see.")
Future Faking: Making grand promises about the future such as marriage, children, buying a home together, or anything else depicting a beautiful and picturesque future together. This is done at the beginning and throughout an emotionally abusive relationship to keep the other person invested while not having to actually follow through with any action to earn their emotional investment. Generally, someone who is future faking has zero intention of following through with their claims, they simply want your adoration and to keep you invested in them and the relationship with as little investment on their end as possible. In the abuse cycle, future faking is used as a baiting tactic to get you to stay in the relationship with them without having to make any real change to their behavior or improve the situation. The basic message here from a future faker is to ignore the pain or reality now in hopes of one day obtaining the outcome you want in the future. (Example: Making claims that you'll be so happy to have been patient with them when you're 80 and looking back on the beautiful life you've built together.)
Man, I'm drained and disgusted just typing this out!
In all seriousness, if you have experienced any of the game-playing I described it's important for you to recognize and understand those are all trademarks of toxic and emotionally abusive relationships. What's equally important for you to note is that you were attracted to and allowed these dynamics to play out in your connection(s) because on some level they mirrored a dynamic in your family of origin. Work on yourself to understand your family of origin dynamics, needs, and values to better align with people who are healthy for you and not a repeat lesson.
And if you're an adult still playing childish dating games and they work, be careful who you're attracting. You never know who is playing who in that dynamic.
