Intention
Where attention goes, energy flows. That's a very true and powerful statement. I'm not the first to share this statement, and I certainly won't be the last, but have you ever really stopped to think about what it means? I feel this is the simplest way to describe how intention works.
Intention is the conscious aim or plan behind actions, thoughts, or decisions. It is the purposeful direction of energy, focus, and will toward achieving a particular outcome or goal.
Think about how your intentions have shaped your life, experiences, and outcomes. How has being clear regarding what you want helped you achieve a goal? How has being unclear hindered or delayed your success? The spiritual community may refer to this as manifestation, but this is simply science. Our brain and nervous system are hardwired to problem solve and help us achieve our goals, being our biggest ally in turning our dreams into reality.
Intentionality helps our brain block out what we don't want and brings into our awareness only the things we do. Whether you have your eye set on a new car, achieving a goal in your career, or finding the perfect partner, when you're clear on what you want it comes to you much more quickly and precisely.
Intentionality includes the following elements:
Purposefulness: Deliberate and thoughtful decision-making rather than random actions or impulsivity. There's action via purpose and clarity.
Goal Alignment: Intentions are guided through behaviors and choices aligned to achieve goals.
Mindset: The mental and emotional state behind actions via self-awareness. Is the action or choice made out of alignment or obligation?
Aligning Core Values: Actions stemming from aligned core values and beliefs come from a place of authenticity and therefore are more meaningful.
When I purchased my car, I had a general idea of what I wanted, but it wasn't until I got clear that it manifested into my awareness. Without completely geeking out with the neuroscience behind it all, my brain stopped paying attention to anything that didn't align with the internal checklist I provided. This was also true when I manifested my latest career transition. As I became clearer about what I wanted, the more aligned options appeared in my awareness. When the opportunity I chose was presented, it was an immediate yes because both of us were clear and intentional, making the process flow smoothly, quickly, and without resistance.
When it comes to matters of the heart, intentionality is crucial and required if you want to align with the right partner, andnot just A partner. Choosing the wrong partner is at the top of my list of the most painful experiences one can have. If you're out there dating or in a relationship that lacks intentionality, you don't know who or what you're signing up for because there's no clear direction or awareness of if there's alignment.
While "going with the flow" or "seeing where things go" works for short-lived, emotionally disconnected, or casual connections where the bar of expectation is set to no expectations, these often never turn into anything more because there's no intention driving energy in that direction. And if a casual connection moves in the direction of a relationship, often it's out of convenience or comfort and not due to alignment so they tend to not last and most end painfully. If you're in a casual connection hoping it'll turn into something more one day, congratulations on winning the prize of being in a one-sided connection! Don't be delulu and recognize they're just not that into you. In all seriousness, don't get caught up in a one-sided relationship because that's super painful. You'll always want more and you'll be wanting it from someone who can't give it to you. Just don't do it!
Have you picked up that I don't care for or do casual yet? I've tried and casual doesn't work for me because I'm intentional about everything in my life and dating is no different. I have too much value to lose by being in the wrong connection sofor me, casual connections aren't worth the risk or wasted time and energy.
So let's continue with the example of dating to explore this theme of intention. Matters of the heart are the NUMBER ONE reason my clients have sought my support, which makes sense because this space can be tricky to navigate, especially if there's been any amount of previous trauma experienced in connections.
Dating and building relationships with intention looks like:
Knowing What You Want: Get clear on what kind of connection you want, what your needs and core values are, and what values the other person must possess. Examples of core values are kindness, humility, honesty, loyalty, communication, along with many others. Needs are non-negotiables required for you to feel safe, valued, connected, and secure in a healthy relationship both emotionally and mentally. Examples of needs can be open and honest communication or weekly dates. Understanding your needs, values, and intentions helps you recognize compatibility early on so you don't waste time and energy investing in people who aren't aligned. This also helps minimize the likelihood of a relationship ending due to misalignment in the future when it's harder to walk away because deep feelings and trauma bonds have formed.
Showing Up Honestly + Authentically: Avoid masking or hiding parts of who you are to impress someone, to fit the mold of what they're looking for in a partner, or because you fear rejection. Be honest and show up as your authentic self from the beginning. This not only helps you attract the right people, but it also helps to create deep connections.
Communicate Clearly + Openly: Be upfront with what you're looking for from the beginning to ensure you're both on the same page. It's not fun to be on either end of a connection where there's misalignment. Be upfront,honest, and don't play games when it comes to communication. No one is a mind reader so don't expect the other person to "know" or assume anything you haven't communicated or discussed. Vulnerability is needed to create a genuine emotional connection. Have conversations that go deeper than the surface level by discussing topics such as life goals, past experiences, and emotional needs.
Be Mindful of Your Choices: Choose who you date or enter into a relationship with wisely. Select potential partners based on shared values, compatible life goals, and emotional connection over superficial infatuation, chemistry, or attraction alone. Dating intentionally also means that you are focusing on quality over quantity. Instead of dating many people casually, focus on building connections only with individuals who have real potential.
Establish + Maintain Boundaries: Know and stick to your non-negotiables to ensure you're not compromising your values or well-being for the sake of remaining in connection with someone. These boundaries can include time, emotional availability, and physical intimacy. Non-negotiables are those things that are deal-breakers for potential partners such as the level of commitment desired, decisions involving children, addictions, or anything else that makes for an easy "no".
Actions Over Words: Talk is cheap and anyone can do it. Make sure that you're connecting with someone who's consistently having their actions align with their words. If your intuition is alerting you that something is off, trust it. A lot of people look perfect on paper but have deeper more insidious dark characteristics or demons lurking just under that charm. If someone is constantly telling you who they are without showing you, you can bet they are nothing like the picture they're attempting to help you paint in your head. Trust your gut above all else.
Focus on Growth and Compatibility: Choose a partner who you can grow with and that wants the same things out of life that you do. Avoid getting swept up in chemistry and intentionally seek a partnership where both partners support each other's personal and emotional growth for long-term success.
Stay Present + Be Patient: It takes time to truly get to know someone and determine if there's alignment. Don't rush into a relationship but rather enjoy the process of uncovering who your person is. When you're not grounded in the present moment, you may put on rose-colored glasses and see them as "Mr. or Mrs. Perfect", missing important red flags along the way. Not remaining grounded in the present while dating can also allow fear, worry, anxiety, and overthinking to take over and unfairly color who the person is. When that happens, the ghosts and traumas of your past begin to tell you that person is unsafe and you may unknowingly miss out on a great opportunity. Stay grounded, stay consistent, and take things slowly.
Take Actions That Align With Your Intentions: If you want a serious relationship, make sure your choices and actions reflect that intention. Invest time to get to know the other person deeply, plan and execute dates regularly, and avoid sending mixed signals. Don't say you want to see them but fail to plan a date and don't say you're ready for a relationship when you're still hung up on an ex. If you want a partner, you must show up fully in that role from the start and not leave room for confusion, mixed signals, or the other person to question your intentions.
Learn From Each Experience: Each date and relationship offers an opportunity for us to fine-tune what we want and highlight the parts within ourselves that might need some tweaking. Remain open, learn from the process, and make adjustments as needed.
Just like being intentional is important to align with the right partner, prioritizing investing consistent energy into the partnership is equally as important. If you stop watering the garden that is your relationship, it'll eventually suffer and maybe even die. Poor communication is the number one reason couples end a relationship. Without healthy communication, conflicts go unresolved, resentments are formed, couples become disconnected, emotional intimacy is lost, trust is eroded, and assumptions lead to unnecessary misunderstandings and conflicts.
This is true for any area of your life that you stop watering. We all only have so many hours in a day. Showing up for ourselves, our loved ones, and what we value intentionally allows us to disperse our energy and time appropriately to keep it all in balance.
Any place in our life where we lack intention is an opportunity for us to drift aimlessly into the intentions of someone else. Hopefully, their intentions are pure, but that's not always true. Without intentionality, you're also only going to experience whatever is placed on your path or dropped into your lap. Is that what you want for yourself?
There's a great big world out there with an unlimited amount of opportunities just waiting for you. All you have to do is get clear about what you want, set your aim towards what you desire, and seize your opportunity. It's really that simple!
