Peter Pan
Ah yes, the classic Disney movie about the allure of eternal youth and avoiding growing up by staying in Neverland. While this makes for an entertaining film, having someone in your life who refuses to grow up is frustrating, to say the least. And if you're the one clinging to youth it's causing a lot more chaos in your life than you may realize.
Peter Pan syndrome is a term used to describe adults, typically men, who are socially immature and have difficulties embracing adult responsibilities. They are characterized by having immature attitudes and behaviors such as shunning adult responsibilities and maintaining a carefree attitude. There's an overall avoidance of responsibility, dependency, emotional immaturity, fear of commitment, and a preference for seeking pleasure and comfort.
And you know what, this is one of the biggest reasons that long-term relationships and marriages dissolve, especially ones that came together during adolescent and early adult years. While both partners may have come together at the same level of maturity, one partner stayed there by refusing to grow up causing misalignment and chaos in the relationship in the present. Think of this as being represented by the guy who peaked in high school or college, stuck on the "glory days" and refuses to move on with his life and grow up.
Last summer I met a man in his 70s last summer who epitomizes this energy. I don't know anything about his story but inthe brief five minutes I was forced to interact with him due to having a mutual connection, my eyes widened with each sentence as I gained awareness that I was staring at Peter Pan in the flesh, forever stuck mentally and emotionally in his youth.
As a woman who's been in this dynamic before, it's not attractive to have a partner who casts you in the role of "mother" when you signed up for a partnership. Neither person feels great in this dynamic. The one avoiding growing up feels like their partner is highly critical, overbearing, nagging, and pushing them to change, while the other partner feels overburdened by carrying the weight of the relationship mentally, emotionally, and physically. And you know what, they are both right!
In the film, Peter allows himself to be led by the joy of freedom, becomes lost in the allure of fantasy, and avoids responsibilities and challenges at every turn. Peter is very pain adverse and I'm sure he would use the "easy button" at every opportunity if it existed! He even tried pulling others into his life of fantasy and chaos.
While the carefree days of childhood are to be cherished, so is the opportunity to find purpose and embrace the structure and discipline of adulthood.
If you're noticing a part of yourself resonating with this story, it's okay so please don't beat yourself over it. Maturing has little to do with your age and more to do with being ready to embrace the responsibility that comes with becoming an adult.
Context matters here, but if you find yourself or a loved one saying any of the following statements as an excuse for not showing up, immaturity may be at the root:
"I just wanna have fun."
"I'll deal with it later."
I don't want to be tied down."
"I just want to go with the flow/see what happens."
"Responsibility sucks."
"I'm still figuring things out."
"Why settle when there's so much out there to experience."
"Why should I worry about the future?"
"I'm not ready for such a big commitment."
Sometimes this stems from not having a solid male role model growing up and other times it stems from childhood trauma from having an overprotective parent, unresolved emotional trauma, or avoidance as a coping mechanism due to parental neglect, abuse, or abandonment. These experiences can lead to fear around growing up and the responsibilities that come with adulthood. The good news is that you always have the power to choose to leave behind the false freedom of childhood at any time.
To work through Peter Pan Syndrome you must first acknowledge what the underlying issues are that contribute to your aversion to adulthood and then take gradual steps towards embracing adulthood.
Here are some steps to help guide you or a loved one through this journey:
Recognize the problem and the underlying cause.
Seek professional help through either traditional talk therapy to get to the root or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to help change negative thought patterns and behaviors.
Take baby steps and gradually increase your level of responsibility.
Find a role model.
Hold yourself accountable and embrace the natural consequences of your actions (inaction is an action).
Work on your emotional regulation by developing healthy coping skills and practicing mindfulness such as meditation.
Cultivate a growth mindset.
Practice radical self-acceptance and self-compassion.
Reframe your perception of adulthood by finding joy and rewards in responsibility by shifting your perspective.
If you're reading this and thinking this describes your partner and you're now feeling justified in putting all the blame on them, slow your roll. I hate to break it to you, but you are part of the problem here too. So buckle up buttercup for a cold dose of reality and get ready to face parts of yourself that need to change too.
The law of polarity in this dynamic means that if you have attracted an immature partner who's essentially irresponsible, this means you're on the opposite end of that polarity making you overly responsible. The responsibility in this dynamic isn't to self but is focused on others. The mirroring in this dynamic means there are parts of yourself that still need maturing. Your avoidance of adulthood is characterized by overly investing in the lives of those you care about while abandoning or putting your needs and responsibilities on the back burner. Your part in healing this pattern is to balance out your codependency patterns and allow others the opportunity to carry their weight, especially in romantic partnerships.
Here are some possible reasons you keep attracting immature partners:
You're a caretaker who nurtures others with empathy and compassion.
You're conflict-avoidant, non-confrontational, and have low expectations.
You validate immature behavior by admiring playfulness and reinforcing youthful attitudes.
There are dependency and control dynamics stemming from a deep fear of abandonment and a desire to be needed.
You have unresolved personal issues such as codependency and low self-worth or low self-esteem.
You're attracted to fun and excitement and want to escape your adult responsibilities.
You're easily charmed by charismatic individuals.
You have unclear boundaries or lack them altogether.
Possessing any of these qualities makes you a magnet for attracting immature partners because it allows them to maintain their immature behavior by having you take on the bulk of the responsibility in the relationship. As this type of relationship progresses over time, the imbalance of responsibility becomes a breeding ground for resentment, frustration, and dissatisfaction on the part of the overly responsible partner.
The only way to restore balance and harmony in this dynamic is if both people are willing to balance out the parts of themselves that are imbalanced. Not everyone is willing to work on themselves, which is their choice and to be respected. If your partner doesn't choose growth, the only options you have are to either completely and radically accept that they'll likely never change or make the hard choice to end the relationship.
All healthy relationships begin and end with having a healthy and balanced relationship with yourself. I know it's sometimes annoying and frustrating to constantly be working on yourself, but it is the reality of what's needed to live an abundant, peaceful, aligned, and joyous life.
No person has everything figured out. Even the healthiest relationships experience conflict and have unhealthy patterns to be addressed. If you're waiting for yourself to be perfect or "healed" before taking that leap of faith to go after that job, home, or person you'll be waiting for forever, letting those opportunities slip past you in the process.
Perfect doesn't exist. There's never a perfect time. There's never a perfect opportunity. There's never a perfect person.
Healing my deep-rooted perfectionism has been a journey. Perfectionism has been one of the ways I avoided taking self-responsibility, perpetuated my immaturity, and delayed my blessings time and time again. I now know this stems from my childhood trauma which makes me feel like everything and everyone must show up perfectly for me to feel safe. But guess what, this is a lie, not a possibility, and a healing fantasy.
Even if something or someone showed up for me perfectly, I'm sure I'd still find a reason to pick it/them apart and find fault. This is one part of myself that I'm still maturing and healing, and that's perfectly okay - haha! Have I mentioned that I enjoy laughing at myself because I find myself hilarious? I encourage you to do the same because it's so healing.
Life is meant to be fun and not taken so seriously. Enjoy the journey, laugh at your mishaps, and keep moving forward. Find a way to accept yourself and others completely. And in case no one has told you lately, you're pretty amazing! There's not a part of yourself that must change to be worthy of the life, love, or opportunity you want now. To get what you desire you simply need to take action towards it.
