Grief
Grief is a powerful emotion and an essential part of the healing process. The grieving process allows you to detach and release bound-up energy connected to the loss of a relationship, an experience, or anything else you once held dear, so you may fully re-invest your energy into something or someone new.
Without proper grieving, a part of you will remain attached to the past and you won't be able to fully move forward.
Grieving isn't forgetting what's happened or blindly forgiving. True grieving involves completely validating your emotions regarding:
the injustice you felt
your bitterness regarding the loss
acknowledging your resentments taking stock of any fears about your future as a result of what happened
recognizing the regrets you may have surrounding your words or actions
Depending on your family of origin, grief may not have been an emotion you were allowed to express or safely process, potentially making the grieving process more uncomfortable or even lengthy.
Grieving is a process that involves a complex range of emotions that evolves over time but never truly leaves. This doesn't mean that you're sad for the rest of your life or that you never move forward, it simply suggests that grief finds its place and you adapt to the loss.
I like to imagine grief as once being something painful held deep in your heart. The process of healing plucks that pain out so you're able to at least hold it outside of your body. It never goes away, but you get to decide how close or far away the painful memory is.
It's been generally accepted that grief follows a predictable cycle of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, however, healing isn't linear and there are vast amounts of variables to consider, so it's not that simple.
More recent research suggests there are three foundational elements to grief: loss, longing, and feeling lost.
David Kessler spoke about grief on a Brene Brown podcast episode and I align with the following statement:
"Each person's grief is as unique as their fingerprint. But what everyone has in common is that no matter how they grieve, they share a need for their grief to be witnessed."
We all have a deep and innate desire to be seen, heard, and valued. Your grief, just like any of your other emotions, wants to be recognized and validated too.
What your family of origin taught you to believe about grief and other uncomfortable emotions matters too. If your family avoided difficult or complex emotions this is likely an area you struggle with and are still learning to grow. It makes complete sense as your pain was likely never given a voice so finding the right balance and language to communicate how you're feeling, what you need, and how to ask others for support may take some practice.
Moving through grief is made easier by doing the following:
acknowledging the loss
validating your feelings & desires
embracing the unknown
reaching out for support
understanding the lesson
sharing your story & wisdom
No matter what it is that you are grieving the loss of, know that it does get better and you will come out the other side. We all face trials and disappointments throughout our lives, which is just another reason to savor and take in all the good life has to offer when it's present.
Don't let the pain of your past keep you from a beautiful future!
