Communication
Communication can make or break any relationship. Like a beautifully choreographed dance, communication weaves together thoughts, emotions, and actions, creating a bridge to a deeper connection or building walls creating distance and separation in our relationships.
The words you use, what you express and how you express it, your willingness to be vulnerable, your level of self-awareness, and your perceptions all influence the effectiveness of communication.
In healthy relationships, communication is a bid for connection that creates the opportunity to deepen any relationship. But what about when you're amid an unhealthy or toxic dynamic? Normal rules of communication do not apply in unhealthy dynamics, and unfortunately, anything you say or do can and will be used as ammo against you either now or in the future.
Perhaps you're currently struggling with a toxic manager, have a loved one in active addiction, are involved with an emotionally immature partner, have a friend refusing to address their mental health, or any other dysfunctional dynamic - what do you do then? How do you even know that you're in a toxic relationship dynamic?
There's no one right way to navigate this tricky dynamic. Rather, it calls you to be extremely self-aware and radically honest with what you're willing to endure in exchange for remaining in the environment or connection that is painful to you.
When it comes to recognizing dysfunctional relationships, one of the telltale signs is that communicating your needs often feels like you're waging war. You feel the need to armor up and spend energy gathering supporting evidence to "prove your case" that your need is valid. If no one has told you yet, your needs always matter and you don't need to explain yourself or justify them to anyone. Needs are non-negotiable - period!
Some common ways dysfunctional communication shows up are:
Little to no communication/Withholding/Stonewalling
Denial/Gaslighting
Triangulation
Passive/Aggressive
Intimidation & Verbal Abuse
Manipulation
Double-Standards
Exploitation
If you are seeing this pattern of toxic communication or connection showing up as a theme in your life, chances are the root of this pattern stems from your childhood. There's a part of you (or many) that still resonates with this form of toxicity and your inner child is still healing out of it.
Other people's choices, actions, and decisions are not your responsibility but diminishing your attraction and desensitization to unhealthy relationships and environments is.
If this is you, it's very likely that as a child you were punished for speaking up for yourself, told that your parent's (or other's) feelings and needs were more important than yours, and were likely never allowed to be upset at your parent(s) or express "negative" emotions. This made it unsafe to communicate your needs so you developed coping mechanisms, such as hyper-independence, that you're still unlearning to this day. You're still learning to trust others, that it's okay to be vulnerable, that it's always okay to ask for what you need, and that having needs is not selfish.
Detaching from an unhealthy environment or person can bring you immediate relief and peace. Accepting that nothing you say, do, or present will change the mind or outcome of the unwilling can help you offload the false burden of carrying the outcome of the situation or relationship.
But what about when you don't want to end the relationship or you can't leave the environment? How do you turn the situation around?
First, understand that all relationships require both people to equally commit to sustaining the connection healthily. Both parties must remain open, willing, and respectful while joining forces to achieve a common goal.
This is why intention and clear direction of what both parties want from a connection is particularly important in dating. Personally, if I choose to open myself up to explore a potential romantic connection with someone (which is rare in itself), I will get clear on intentions right away and watch to make sure their actions match that intention.
If I smell a whiff of inconsistency, that they're not that serious or invested in getting to know me, trying to be close to me for reasons that are self-motivated and not honoring me, or are toxic in any way I'm out. Part of this is honoring what I know I need to feel safe in a connection and the other is my ego walling me off due to my past pain and disappointment that it's trying to protect me from being repeated. It's a balance, an art form, and one I'm still working through myself so I stop blocking good people along with the wrong ones. This is where compassion comes in.
Having compassion for both parties while seeking to understand where the other person is at in their life can help transform even the most difficult situations around, as long as both people are willing. The use of non-violent communication is very important and it's the responsibility of the more aware person to initiate.
Part of seeking compassion is understanding that while you may communicate from a place of empathy, compassion, and "power with others", the other person's guilt, shame, and fear may have them seeking power over you with passive/aggressive language, manipulation, or any of the other common dysfunctional communication patterns. Understanding the limitations of the other person and how capable of showing up for themselves will help you navigate what type of language to use and how to use it. Just as you wouldn't expect someone to understand a language that's foreign to them, you can't expect another person to understand your emotional needs if they lack emotional literacy and intelligence themselves.
By using nonviolent communication you're less likely to trigger a shame or fear-based response and ensure a more favorable interaction or outcome. Understanding and avoiding your trigger areas will also help you maintain your peace and serenity.
The Four Components of Nonviolent Communication Are:
Observations
Feelings
Needs
Requests
Nonviolent communication is how we express ourselves to others, empathize with them, and how we communicate and connect with ourselves. It's not possible to control how others choose to respond to the information we communicate, but how we communicate that information matters. Whenever possible, use "I" statements and focus the information around what you see, feel, need, and are requesting.
Examples of Using Nonviolent Communication
"I can see that..."
"We agreed to..."
"... am I right to think..."
"I feel anxious because..."
"I need XYZ to feel safe"
"Are you willing to..."
So the next time you find yourself in connection with a challenging person, or environment, or your relationship isn't flowing the way you want, how will you respond?
Will you take it personally or will you seek to understand the deeper root of what's happening, understanding what's your part and what's theirs? Do you know if the connection is worth continuing to invest in or is it better to walk away? More importantly, how will you choose to alter what you communicate so it comes from a more compassionate and clear space?
At the end of the day, we all want the same things out of our relationships - love, connection, safety, and security. Use communication wisely to cut through any confusion so you don't allow your fear or pain of the past to cloud your perceptions of your current reality and dictate your future.
