Love Bombing
So there you are, sitting across from Mr. or Mrs. Perfect, wondering if this person could be "the one." They tick off all your boxes for your ideal partner. You feel the chemistry, you find them attractive, and they're feeding your ego sweet nothings faster than a professional competitive eater vying for a world title.
Communication and attention are constant from the onset, and the relationship goes from 0 to 1000 in what feels like a heartbeat. You're soulmates, twin flames, the yin to their yang, their other half, the peanut butter to their jelly...I think you get the picture.
This is how every love bombing "fairy tale" begins. You barely know each other, but then you wonder how you've ever lived without this person you only met a nanosecond ago. None of this is indicative of a healthy connection and is a recipe for a trauma-bonded relationship that only leads to heartbreak and huge therapy bills in the future.
I blame Hollywood and Disney for idolizing toxic relationship dynamics in general, conning the masses into believing that this is what "true love" is when it's the complete opposite - unhealthy attachment. Most people are chasing the high of the "fireworks relationships" and not the steady and solid "fireplace relationships" that have the power to last.
If you're not familiar with love bombing, it's a manipulative tactic that is often experienced in the early stages of a relationship by overwhelming the other person with affection, attention, and gifts to gain control and create dependency.
Some ways this shows up are:
Excessive Compliments and Flattery: Being told you're the most beautiful, perfect, amazing, special person they've ever met early and overwhelmingly often.
Intense and Rapid Communication: Constant communication throughout the day and expressing deep feelings of love and adoration early in the relationship.
Lavish Gifts and Grand Gestures: Expensive gifts, trips, and declarations of love even when the relationship is new.
Quick Escalation of Commitment: Rushing for exclusivity, moving in together rapidly, marrying quickly, or anything else that rushes and locks in a relationship status or milestone.
Constant Attention and Affection: Clinginess or always wanting to be with that person, making them the center of your world or attention, and giving nonstop physical attention and affection.
Making the Person Feel Special and Unique: Telling you that they've never met anyone like you before, they've never felt XYZ about anyone before, and that you're soulmates or destined to be together.
Isolation From Others: Subtly or overtly discouraging you from seeing family or friends, attending social events without them, or trying to make you feel guilty or wrong for spending time with others.
Overwhelming Displays of Emotion: Publically declaring love through overt social media posts, writing love letters, making dramatic confessions in public or in front of others, or anything else highly emotionally charged and inappropriate for the stage of your relationship.
Promises of a Perfect Future (a.k.a. Future Faking): Painting how perfect and idyllic life will be together, how all the stresses of life will be gone once you two are married, how it'll be when you're old and looking back reminiscing about the stage of relationship you're in (generally early).
While your ego may eat up all of this attention and false security this person is bringing, it's best to take a step back and assess what's going on, understand where all this is coming from, and ask yourself what's at the root of this person's behavior. There's nothing like the rush of chemicals your body releases when love bombing strikes from a whirlwind romance, but it's not real love. It's not a genuine connection, and it's certainly not sustainable.
Love bombing isn't exclusive to romantic relationships or solely experienced at the beginning of a relationship. You can experience love bombing from a potential employer, new friend, or coworker, and during a relationship as part of the abuse cycle. It may look like a lot of fancy dinners, planning trips, heavy amounts of communication, loads of flattery, excessive attention and affection after a breakup to woo you back, grandiose displays of "changed behavior", or finally giving you everything you've been asking for after threatening to end the connection.
Regardless of how the situation manifests for you, rest assured that this period of love bombing will certainly be intense and burn out only after a few weeks once the infatuation has waned or the goal was achieved.
People engage in the behavior of love bombing for several different reasons, some innocent and others nefarious, so seeking to understand the motivations behind their actions is important.
Some common motivations behind love bombing are:
Narcissism: Narcissists crave adoration, validation, dominance, control, power, and need to feel superior. The goal of love bombing from a narcissist is to quickly gain your trust, have you become infatuated with them, and quicklyestablish dominance and create dependency.
Insecurity and Low Self-Esteem: Deep fears around rejection and a need for validation fuel the unhealthy need for constant validation, and reassurance, and to establish a bond quickly.
Manipulative Intentions: Masking true intentions or desiring to create dependency are tell-tale markings of a manipulator. In this situation, you'll never be told the whole truth and are treated like a puppet on strings by the manipulator.
Desire for Quick Commitment: Rapid relationship escalation and avoidance of vulnerability are used to fill a void from a previous relationship failure rather than being of a genuine nature. Perhaps the other person wants to be married or have children by a certain age, there's family pressure, or they're uncomfortable with uncertainty and being open and vulnerable so everything is fast-tracked to avoid feelings.
Lack of Healthy Relationship Models: This boils down to repeating learned unhealthy relationship dynamics and being unaware of healthy boundaries. We don't know what we don't know, so sometimes this is simply out of naivety.
Intention to Control or Abuse: In abusive relationships, love bombing is a helpful tactic for the abuser to keep the victim off-balance. Alternating between love and affection to abuse creates confusion and dependency. This can also be part of the grooming process to exploit the victim over time. In this dynamic, the chemicals released in your body are used against you to create a toxic attachment and trauma bond between the abuser and the victim, making it an extremely difficult relationship to walk away from.
Attachment Styles and Personality Disorders: Anxious and avoidant (insecure) attachment styles often engage inlove bombing to either cling to their partner or establish control quickly. Individuals with borderline personality disorder or antisocial personality disorder may engage in love bombing due to issues with emotional regulation and empathy.
Victims of love bombing are left feeling confused, dependent on their abuser, and experience emotional turmoil from the push-pull of the relationship dynamic. The aftermath of love bombing can leave victims with deep trust issues and an inability to distinguish genuine interest from manipulation, which can lead to self-isolation. Self-esteem and self-worth are also often eroded due to the inconsistency of love and affection in this dynamic.
While you can't control the actions or intentions of others, you do have control over yourself and who you choose to engage with. Awareness, healthy boundaries, and seeking support if needed are all ways to help cultivate healthier, more balanced relationships. It's okay to ask questions. It's okay to slow down the pace. And it's always okay to walk away from anything or anyone no longer in alignment with your highest good.
So the next time you feel the rush of endorphins and experience the highest of highs that is love bombing, hit pause, and check yourself before you wreck yourself. You'll thank yourself later, trust me.
