Ghost Partner
Do you know who your 'ghost partner' is? Have you heard of this concept before?
Your ghost partner is the unconscious relationship pattern drawing you towards potential partners, often ones that possess qualities you don't want despite consciously desiring something different.
Think about your past partners. What drew you to you them? What qualities did they possess? Why did you decide to be in a relationship with them? What was the outcome of the connection? Was it a healthy connection, or was it toxic?
Bringing your ghost partner out from the shadows brings awareness to your needs, wants, and desires in partnership. It's helpful to understand that you'll always be attracted to the same kind of person, so use your discernment, don't ignore red flags, and make sure a potential partner fits into your future and is not based solely on desire in the present moment.
Ghost partners generally have qualities that mirror your parents or primary caregivers - for better or worse. We tend to seek what's familiar and what we're trying to heal from in our childhood unless we're aware. For instance, if your mother was overly critical or overbearing, you'll likely choose a partner who's the same as an unconscious attempt to "win" the affection, approval, or change the person for healing. Healing this pattern happens when you accept the limitations of others and make decisions on what connections are healthy for you based on how they show up in the present.
A good place to start discovering your "ghost partner" is to inventory 3-5 impactful romantic relationships. List all the positive and negative characteristics of your past partners. Identify the repeating patterns - these are the characteristics of your ghost partner! The next step is to identify your frustrations, feelings, thoughts, reactions, and fears in your past relationships. You may choose to do this section of inventory work for one partner or all of them - the choice is yours as to how deep you want to go!
You may use this information to discover your ghost relationship by putting it together in a summary. Start with what type of person you're drawn to, but only list the negative characteristics from the ghost partner inventory. Fill the body of the paragraph with how they made you feel, what frustrations you had, the negative self-talk or thoughts that came up, how you reacted to your partner, and what fears were present in the relationship. Close your summary with how you would've preferred your partner to show up. What characteristics do they possess? How do they show up for you? How do those changes help you reframe your thoughts more positively? How can you recognize that your fears were a result of your core wounding being activated? (neglect, abandonment, not enough, not seen, etc.) When you read this summary, it should feel clear, honest, and perfectly describe your ghost relationships of the past!
Being aware of what we are healing from allows us to enter relationships consciously and without placing someone in a role that's not theirs to fill. One way to tell if someone is casting you unfairly into their healing fantasy storyline is to pay attention to how they respond to you during the conflict. Does what they say to you align with who you are and the reality of the current situation? If the answer is no, congratulations on your new role! Haha, just kidding :) Politely decline the offer to play the role of their mother, former partner, etc. by bringing awareness to the situation. Gently point out that you feel the conflict has potentially triggered something deeper within them and ask your partner what they need. Do they need space, affection, to feel validated or seen, or go for a walk?
The truth is we all have wounding, whether we want to admit it or not, that causes us to act out of character. We all need a safe space and safe people to process and do this deep healing work with. There's only so much you may heal on your own, and our most intimate connections allow our shadow parts to surface because we feel safest in them.
The best advice I can give you is to surround yourself with people who love you unconditionally and support you without judgment. Sometimes this is family, friends, or a romantic partner - and other times the support comes from outside those connections via therapy, coaching, or group work.
Now that you know who your ghost partner is and the patterns present in your ghost relationship, you're more likely to recognize the red flags and choose differently. This will show up differently for each of you, but the length of your cycles or patterns will shorten because of your awareness.
While we can't help who we're innately attracted to, we can consciously choose better for ourselves!
