The Ego
Recently I had a couple of friends over for dinner and the concept of the ego came up and it sparked an interesting discussion around the topic. As we each shared our experiences and unique perspectives, it was apparent that we all overwhelmingly agreed that big egos suck and have negatively impacted our lives in one way or another.
At this point in my journey, I can sniff out an unhealthy ego in about 2.2 seconds which is very useful for me to use as part of my discernment when determining what's in alignment for me and what's not. This is a direct result of the amount of self-mastery I have completed which helps me see people and situations more clearly. Because I know myself so deeply, I can see when another person is projecting their pain onto me or asking me to take responsibility for their burdens due to their lack of healing. It's also easier for me to discern what people's intentions are and the motivations behind them.
When I chose to make a career transition earlier this year, one of the needs at the top of my list was emotional safety. As I explored opportunities, I would turn down seemingly amazing ones if I felt the presence of an unhealthy ego in anyone I interacted with throughout the process because I knew I wouldn't thrive in that environment. And you know what, my discernment and choice to remain true to what I needed paid off big time.
Now I'm part of an amazing company filled with insanely talented, passionate, and supportive teammates who all see and celebrate my value. I've never been part of an organization where I've felt more valued and recognized for my talent. What's even better is that because I also placed importance on choosing the right mentor, I have an extremely supportive manager who is actively celebrating my talents and propping me up so the value I'm bringing to the organization doesn't go unnoticed. This is what alignment looks like. This is what the absence of an unhealthy ego can do. This is how magic is created.
Our ego is a very real and necessary part of our psyche. It's made up of our sense of identity and individuality, self-worth, but also our defensiveness, desire for control, and perceived separation from others and the world. Depending on your level of self-awareness and personal development, your ego can be either your greatest asset or your largest area of weakness.
Whether you're looking at the concept of the ego through a psychological or spiritual lens, its number one job is to protect your individuality and sense of self. How this manifests for you depends on how balanced your ego is.
A healthy and balanced ego consists of confidence, healthy self-awareness, empathy, compassion, openness to other's needs and perspectives, a balanced head-and-heart connection, and the ability to remain grounded in one's sense of self. An unhealthy overinflated ego is made of arrogance, narcissism, and an overinflated sense of self or self-importance. Fragile egos tend to come from low self-esteem, low self-worth, defensiveness, rigidity, and difficulty handling criticism.
In relationships, the ego can create blocks in harmonious communication, emotional intimacy, and our ability to be vulnerable. When our ego goes unchecked, it begins running the show and often the results are unfavorable or go against what we truly desire the outcome to be because the ego is more concerned with protecting the self than viewing the bigger picture.
When your ego goes into overdrive, it can look like abruptly quitting a job because you feel devalued or unappreciated simply for not getting the promotion you hoped for, ending a long-term relationship if your partner isn't showing up the way you want or expect them to, or withholding communication if you feel the other person should reach out first with an apology.
Whatever the trigger event is, the ego is fighting the person, place, or situation in an attempt to self-preserve. While this is useful when a real threat is present, our ego cannot discern the difference between a real and a perceived threat so you must take a moment to pause before responding so it comes from a place of consciousness and not your bruised ego.
How to quiet and balance your ego:
Practice Self-Awareness: Becoming more self-aware allows you to notice when your ego is coming out to play. The unhealthy ego can look like becoming defensive, feeling superior, becoming insecure, or being overly reliant on external validation or support. Journaling, meditation, observing your thoughts and feelings, reflecting on your triggers, and noticing how you react to criticism are all great areas to explore to achieve more balance in this area.
Cultivate Humanity: Recognize that you are not superior or inferior to anyone and that we all have a combination of strengths and weaknesses. If you notice that you are gaining self-esteem by feeling superior, self-righteous, or better than others it's time to deflate your ego. Begin looking at interacting with others as a way to grow compassion for your humanness and the humanness of others. Be grateful for the opportunity to grow, to choose differently, to gain a new perspective, to enter a new level of self-mastery, and to begin seeing weaknesses as an area of personal development. By focusing on what is similar or brings us together rather than what separates us or makes us different, you'll train your brain into a pattern of positive curiosity and recognize we are all far more similar than different.
Create Self-Worth From Within: An unhealthy ego needs external validation to survive and feel valued. Once you build up your internal security the need for your self-worth to come from anything external falls away. Self-compassion, positive affirmations, practicing gratitude, and focusing on placing importance on living your life according to your values (such as kindness, generosity, and empathy) all help cultivate a healthy and intrinsically motivated sense of self.
Let Go of Control: Inflated and fragile egos both seek to have control over others and situations due to being fueled by insecurity or superiority. Acknowledging and accepting that control is always an illusion when it's sought outside ourselves helps to quiet the flames of anxiety, defensiveness, and the fear of the unknown that often feed the fire of control. A great way to bust through this pattern is to understand where the root of your desire or need for control comes from. If you had an unstable, chaotic, or abusive childhood, your need to control was born out of necessity to try and manage that chaos in order to avoid very real pain. If this is you, working with a professional will help you rectify the past trauma and resolve the attachments to control. If this isn't rooted in trauma for you, leaning into uncertainty and practicing patience will help you let go of the false belief that you can control or influence an outcome. Surrendering to the unknown is very freeing if you allow it.
Create Emotional Resilience: Fostering resilience allows you to bounce back from setbacks, disappointments, failures, and criticism more easily. By developing a growth mindset, learning how to regulate your emotions, and being able to step outside yourself to see the bigger picture, you'll become more resilient.
View Vulnerability as a Super Power: Fragile and overly inflated egos are extremely self-focused, making it almost impossible for them to see outside themselves to recognize the ramifications of their actions. Vulnerability is the medicine that melts away another person's ego defenses and allows for more deep and authentic relationships. When you are honest about your emotions, fears, and imperfections you are allowing another person to see you more clearly. Working with a therapist or confiding in a friend who has a healthy sense of self can help you build up the courage to share your true and authentic self. Magic happens in the space of relationships when vulnerability is shared.
Focus on Others and Empathy: One of the best ways to release yourself from the grips of an unhealthy ego is to invest in your relationships with others. When you engage in conversations from a place of curiosity it allows the other person to feel seen, heard, and valued. Active listening is a skill, and just like any skill it can be developed. Providing acts of service for others is another way to humble a large ego and develop empathy.
Engage in Spiritual or Reflective Practices: The unhealthy ego is fed in the spaces of self-importance, self-reliance, and self-isolation. By recognizing and honoring a higher perspective or purpose in life, you'll diminish your ego's dominance because you're connecting with something bigger than yourself. This can be God, a religious figure, ahigher consciousness, the universe, or any form of the higher self that allows you to see the interconnectedness with others. Meditation, practicing detachment, and being reflective also help you step outside of your ego.
While our ego is an essential part of maintaining our unique sense of self, an important part of our self-mastering is to release ourselves from any unhealthy ego patterns to bring about more peace and harmony in our relationships and life at large. So how is your ego running the show at this moment? Is it helping you or hurting you? How is it pushing you forward or holding you back in your career and relationships? How is it keeping you stuck in unhealthy patterns or environments?
We all have an ego and a responsibility to temper it. I encourage you to take some time today for self-reflection to identify any areas of imbalance so you can give yourself (and those around you) the gift of being the most authentic and amazing version of yourself. So drop the mask, lean into vulnerability, and see how the world changes around you. I have a good feeling that you'll love the results!
