The Codependent
If my last posts about "the addict" or "the narcissist" describe your past partners, this post is most likely about you. If you've ever been romantically involved with a narcissist, an active addict, or an abuser, you are codependent. The sooner you accept this fact and start your healing journey, the better.
I ran and denied this work most of my life. Well, if I'm being honest, I spent the majority of my life thinking other people were the problem because their actions were so hurtful toward me.
Can you spot the inner work needed?
Yes, I played the victim by not realizing or recognizing that I was making an active choice to keep people in my life that weren't adding value and were harmful to my health - physically, emotionally, and mentally.
Instead, I chose to self-sacrifice, played the martyr, loved unconditionally without boundaries, forgave everything, and became whatever I needed to be to keep the people I cared about happy and around. I made them feel like they were in the right, apologized for anything and everything, withheld my truth, left jobs, moved, gave up friends, and did whatever was necessary to keep the relationship intact and my partner happy. This part of my codependency was rooted in a deep fear of abandonment and bled all over everyone in my life by being left unattended for too many years. It was also a learned pattern from my family of origin.
Codependency is a trap. It'll have you believing that you can manipulate, lie (generally by omission and denial), control others, and possess a love so great it'll change someone if they only allow it. You avoid fulfilling your needs and building healthy self-esteem and value by focusing your attention, thoughts, and love on others to distract from the responsibility to self.
Codependency is rooted in denial of self and seeking fulfillment and value in overgiving to another person, career, or situation. When that person, place, or thing you gave to is no longer in your life, your esteem, value, and love go along with them because they weren't rooted in the self.
Until you begin to heal, this cycle will continue to repeat. The lessons will grow louder and louder until you choose to face yourself because each relationship and experience is a divine mirror if you allow it.
So if this is you and you're ready to start diving into your inner work, I highly recommend joining one of the 12-step groups, getting a sponsor, and working your program hard. You can read all the self-help books, watch all the YouTube videos, or even attend therapy for years, but nothing compares to doing the work in a 12-step program with a sponsor.
