The Addict
As someone on the other side of this coin numerous times throughout my life, witnessing the self-destruction of people I care for deeply has been heartbreaking, isolating, and a lesson for me too. I've lost loved ones to OD's, the choice to suicide, death from the body giving out due to prolonged use, suffered lifelong ailments due to their drug of choice, and knowing those who'll never fully recover because their addiction keeps morphing into something new because they refuse to do the inner work.
On the positive side, I've witnessed the beauty of sobriety and recovery. I know people who were once homeless and now have a life that anyone would envy, those who've regained health and vitality after many years of abuse, and many beautiful people who freed themselves from the neverending shame cycle and completely transformed themselves, their relationships, and their lives.
True recovery is beautiful, powerful, and inspiring. While sobriety is only the act of abstaining from the addiction, recovery is the deep inner work required to get to the root of why you turned to addiction in the first place to end the cycle.
I believe there's a big misconception and demonization of addicts in general, typically by those who've never been close to it. It's too easy to be judgemental and self-righteous when you're pointing the finger and not the person struggling. No one wakes up one day and says to themselves, "Today is the day I begin slowly poisoning myself and blowing up my life!" - that's not how addiction works.
Instead, addiction slowly takes over one small choice and action at a time - trading feelings of discomfort, shame, and overwhelm for escapism and quick dopamine hits. For some, the medium of choice is drugs, alcohol, sex, or gambling. For others, it's shopping, food, cigarettes, or even love. We can become addicted to anything that helps us escape our uncomfortable feelings and reality.
Addiction is a manifestation of the flight trauma response and is generally deeply rooted in childhood trauma. Even with a great childhood, if you struggle with addiction or codependency, then at some point, you likely felt neglected, abandoned, betrayed, abused, or overwhelmed by someone or something in your environment.
Anyone who's worked with me knows I'm blunt, honest, empathetic, and compassionate regarding this area of work while helping my clients set healthy boundaries, expecting accountability, ending enabling behaviors, and upholding consequences. How you show up in this dynamic matters and is your responsibility, it's not just the addict who needs to grow and change.
When working with clients of partners with active addiction, the following insights generally bring immediate peace:
Their addiction isn't about you.
This isn't your battle to fight.
Addiction will always be their priority until recovery is achieved.
It's impossible to have a peaceful and healthy relationship with someone in active addiction, and extending endless amounts of unconditional love and empathy at the expense of yourself will only leave you drained and resentful.
If you're finding yourself in this position, make all your choices from a place of self-love and out of love and respect for your partner or loved one. Sometimes, the correct path forward is the one you resist the most, and you may not have that clarity until the trauma bond dissipates.
