Freedom

What does freedom mean to you? How do you exercise freedom in your life? How has your freedom been infringed upon?

As we celebrate our nation's freedom (Happy 4th BTW!!!) this is the perfect time to discuss personal freedom. I feel it's synchronistic that the collective energy over the past week, especially with my client work, mirror's the energy of our nation's celebration of freedom today.

The area of life this theme collectively activated is freedom within our romantic connections. This theme has played out by recognizing how our partners either enrich and support our autonomy or try to take it away due to their insecurity and anxiety.

In this era of situationships and hook-up culture, it's no wonder this type of connecting can be so appealing - especially if your last relationship was with someone controlling, dominating, manipulative, abusive, and just straight-up toxic AF. Swinging from one extreme to the other is sometimes a necessary experience for you to achieve internal balance. Just like being completely consumed or controlled by a relationship is unhealthy, so is being in a situation void of real connection and attachment, making it wise not to stay in this space for too long.

Achieving the right balance of autonomy in a long-term romantic connection is a delicate dance that requires healthy communication and mutual willingness. Furthermore, what "balance" looks like is different for every couple.

Healthy attachment in our romantic partnerships fuels us to become the best, most authentic, and embodied versions of ourselves. Relationships with unhealthy attachments or trauma bonds are the polar opposite; they rob us of our light, uniqueness, and abundance - making them the most draining and soul-sucking experience. Most unhealthy or toxic attachments feel restrictive, whereas healthy relationships feel free.

It can be hard to tell if you're building a relationship with someone from a place of healthy or unhealthy attachment because the process and feelings are mostly the same, especially in the beginning. In both cases, you're dating regularly, getting to know them through many conversations, allowing the connection to deepen over time, and increasing commitment to each other as it makes sense.

For me, the best way to assess the difference is by understanding the intentions of both sides. Why do you want to be with this person, what do you want out of the experience, why do you want more commitment with this person, and most importantly - am I trying to fill a void or insecurity thru this connection? When it comes to the other person, while you may ask them about their intentions, however, it takes time and consistent action to understand if they're being honest or are a healthy match for you.

My most recent relationship taught me the value of understanding the intentions behind what the other person is offering rather than being disillusioned by the false security of commitment. Processing this relationship showed me that every commitment he made to me throughout our time together came from a place of insecurity and not a genuine desire to build a life together like presented. Since his commitments were insincere and to fulfill his needs without consideration for me, they came with entrapment, manipulation, domination, and control.

The clarity of his insincerity came at the end of our relationship. We were engaged, and newly pregnant, and I discovered he'd rather end our engagement (quite coldly and quickly, may I add) than take my feelings, needs, and desires into account when building a life together. I could have chosen to stay in the relationship, but it would have been at the cost of my freedom, fulfillment, autonomy, and so much more.

It became clear at that moment he only intended to have a partner that fits into the life he desired rather than co-creating a life that worked for both of us. Even when he attempted reconciliation, that offer was also insincere and fueled by his ego and addiction. Walking away has been the best decision for me, and I don't regret it for a moment. I will always choose myself if I'm ever in a position of self-sacrifice, and I encourage you to do the same!

I've learned much about myself and the importance of healthy attachment and autonomy from my romantic experiences. Every relationship dynamic I've entered has taught me so much about myself and has been the biggest expander for my soul's growth. I have deep gratitude and appreciation for every man I've been with. They've each taught me how to love and choose myself in unique ways. What an amazing and beautiful gift that has helped me feel free in my authenticity!

So I'm curious, how do you relate to this theme in your relationship experience?