Emotional Immaturity
This theme has been coming up heavily in the collective, so what better time to write about it than now? Emotional immaturity can be present at any age and is often rooted in generational patterning and sometimes trauma.
An emotionally immature person is much more than someone refusing to grow up; they lack knowledge and awareness of their emotions, aren't able to regulate themselves, refuse to take accountability or responsibility, don't care or understand the impact their choices have on others, and is someone who is fundamentally incapable of true emotional intimacy and connection with another person.
This pattern generally runs rampant in dysfunctional family systems. There's enmeshment, enablement, and so much chaos that your head will spin. This dysfunction will have you repelling healthy people and environments because they don't feel familiar. If your parents were emotionally immature, you likely are healing from some level of emotional immaturity. It may also be true that you are ending a pattern of selecting romantic partners who mirror the same style of emotional immaturity and unavailability of your parents.
My parents are opposites, each taking very different paths and approaches to life. One of my parents is supportive, nurturing, communicative, loving, and emotionally available, whereas the other doesn't possess any of those qualities. Both parents came from dysfunctional family systems, but one chose to begin doing the healing work and leaned into change, and the other is still ignoring the necessity to be healthier for themselves and the family.
I've recognized how this pattern has impacted me and affected all areas of my life. As I've openly stated in a previous post, this is a relational pattern I'm healing out of myself. There's no shame if this is also your story!
My point of attraction to romantic partners was heavily influenced by my healing fantasy of wanting to "fix" or "win" the love of an emotionally unavailable partner due to having this mirroring one of my parental relationships. I had to recognize and accept that I wasn't as emotionally available as I thought because I was attracted to people and situations I knew would be emotionally unfulfilling.
Working on my codependency, healing my nervous system, rewiring my brain to a healthier mindset, and changing my environment has rapidly propelled me forward, making me a more secure, stable, peaceful, and emotionally available person. None of this happened overnight, but rather the result of many years of diligent healing work. Although I've unraveled many layers of myself and my story, I know there's still a lifetime of self-discovery ahead of me. Be cautious of anyone claiming to have themselves or life all 'figured out' because no one does.
If any of this resonates as part of your story, please do yourself a favor and buy the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson. I recommend this book to most of my clients, and it comes highly recommended by therapists.
In the book, Lindsay outlines the four types of emotionally immature parents: the emotional parent, the driven parent, the passive parent, and rejecting parent. There's an explanation of the wounds each archetype creates due to their immaturity and unavailability, along with the two types of children typically created from this generational pattern: internalizers and externalizers. She dives into how parents respond to internalizer vs. externalizer children, creating strained relationship dynamics and challenges with siblings in this family system. I loved the personal stories and deep dives into the romantic relationship patterns that result from each archetype of emotionally immature parent dynamic.
This book is truly fascinating, mind-blowing, and an important read for anyone wanting to stop the cycle of emotional immaturity and unavailability. It also connects all the dots relating to childhood trauma, neglect, abandonment, addiction, codependency, enmeshment, and anything else present in toxic family systems.
