All That Glitters…

All that glitters isn't gold.

Have you heard this expression before? I've experienced this lesson several times, as I'm sure you have. This theme showed up heavily for me when I first started writing this blog back in November, and now I finally feel like this piece is complete and ready to be released.

My creative process is unique to me in that I often will be hit with the spark of inspiration to write on a topic but sometimes there's a block or resistance that comes up in the process so I stop. I used to feel like I needed to push forward and force a piece to be finished, but as I've matured in this process I've come to recognize that it simply means more information is to be revealed so I need to be patient and surrender to the natural flow. I feel this explains why some of my first pieces are kind of meh in my opinion and not nearly as engaging or insightful.

This blog is no exception and I needed patience to allow more life experience to see the pattern play out fully before having any wisdom to impart to make it impactful. The story wasn't finished and I'm glad I listened to my intuitive knowing to wait to finish this piece until now. So let's hop in that time machine that is our memory for some storytime to see how all this relates.

I turned 40 at the end of October 2023, and with it came a mix of emotions and experiences. If you've read some of my previous blogs, then you're aware that my most recent relationship ended at the beginning of 2023 and was a lot for me to heal from. I mean, that experience had me laid out for a long time in general, catapulted me into my deepest healing a year before the relationship officially ended, and almost had me swearing off men for good. Almost.

Let's go back to last summer...

I remember having dinner with a friend one night, stating out loud that I was ready to start opening myself up to dating, and wouldn't you know it, the very NEXT night I met someone! Man, words truly are spells and one should be careful because you might just get what you asked for. While I may have felt ready to dip my toe into the dating pool again I wasn't, at least not for anything real. So that's exactly the type of experience I called into my reality because we only attract what we are. It's not personal, it's vibrational.

The night he and I met, our connection was immediate and off to a great start. There was chemistry, mutual attraction, mutual interest, early signs of compatibility, courting, and the execution of a proper date. Fast-forward to the evening of the date, I found the connection to leave a lot to be desired. He also tripped my fuckboy wire by asking me to come inside after the date. He confirmed my suspicion by hitting me with the dreaded Fboy calling card that is the "wyd" text a couple of days later.

Little did he know that he was completely barking up the wrong tree because I practice celibacy between partners. Whoops! This practice is also a requirement for anyone interested in dating me because it shows they have mastered their relationship with lust and possess discipline - two very real values I look for in a potential partner. So with all things considered, I wrote him off and went on to live my best life.

But as most fuckboys do, he reached back out. I clearly stated my needs and boundaries, my dating intentions, and because he was willing to meet them we started casually dating. Gradually we dropped our walls allowing the conversations to deepen, and we discovered that we were much more aligned than what was initially found on the surface. Fast forward a few months later and we began discussing if it felt right to move our connection into an exclusive relationship.

Then enters "Mr. Perfect on Paper" onto the scene. This man is almost everything that society tells you as a woman you should want and go for when selecting a partner. He was charming, charismatic, kind, generous, considerate, wealthy, established, and ready to settle down with a partner. I've actually known this man since high school and we reconnected a couple of years ago through my work. Last summer had marked about a year since we had caught up so we grabbed dinner one night and ended up having a great time. At the end of the night, he expressed romantic interest, I declined the advances and put up a hard boundary that I was only interested in friendship. He said that was fine stating that he was only "shooting his shot" (which I respect BTW) and we chose to laugh it off and move forward just as friends.

I should have known better that this man would never be okay just being my friend, especially after some of the dynamics of fuckery at play in my previous relationship, but I knew that he was a different person so I trusted he meant what he said. But then he kept wanting to provide for me in ways that a romantic partner would. I wasn't allowed to pay for anything, he always drove, and he took every opportunity to show up for me whenever I communicated an indirect need. This is the perfect energy for a man to show up when courting a potential romantic partner, but not for a platonic friendship. I would often become uncomfortable and question his underlying intentions each time we hung out. He would reassure me that he acted that way for all of his friends, asked for me not to read into it, and communicated that I wasn't receiving any special treatment. So again I trusted what he said even though my intuition told me otherwise.

Then comes my 40th birthday and the reason all this backstory was important to share.

A week before my birthday, my bestie called me to disclose that my friend had reached out to her a while back and dropped the bomb that he had actually been involved in planning my birthday surprise and now would be paying for the entire day. She was also asked not to share that information with me but she did because it was the right thing to do. It was just an awkward situation in general. I felt obligated to include him in my birthday plans because he was planning and paying for my entire day. Ugh... I mean we were friends but the connection was still new so it just felt weird.

I disclosed this new development to the guy I was dating and it caused some conflict and contributed to the end of our connection because it brought out other things, but I don't regret telling him. If there's one thing you can count on with me it's that I'm always honest, even if it hurts.

My birthday weekend started Friday night with a fantastic dinner at one of my favorite restaurants with my bestie and the man I was dating - we all had such a great time. He and I spent the rest of the weekend together, spoiling each other because our birthdays were only a few days apart, and we didn't part until right before I was picked up by my "friend" for my big 40th birthday surprise extravaganza Sunday morning.

The day kicked off with brunch at one of the best award-winning restaurants in town, followed by a facial, shopping, coffee (I'll come back to this fun add-on, trust me you don't want to miss that part), and then wrapped up with a 90-minute massage with all the extra add-ons included for me and my bestie. I mean, it was a pretty great day and an amazing experience in general, but I was uncomfortable and anxious throughout the entire day given the dynamic.

When I arrived for my massage there was a gorgeous flower arrangement waiting for me with a hand-written card from him expressing his gratitude for having me in his life. Oh so sweet and thoughtful, and I love flowers, but again not how you show up for someone you have only platonic feelings for. If I were to guess, this man likely spent $1-2k conservatively on me for my birthday and invested many more hours and days planning it. I mean, he's a dream for any shallow woman or a gold digger!

Was all of that appropriate for a friend? Would you do that for a platonic friend? How about one that's a newish friend? It all felt grandiose and very misplaced.

Shortly after my birthday, the guy I was dating and I decided mutually to end our connection. This was actually a very healing experience for both of us since nothing crazy happened in the relationship to cause the ending, we simply agreed that we were two people who wanted different things and were at differing points in our lives. I do have the interference with our connection from my "friend" to thank because it highlighted those areas lacking in the connection before either of us overly invested.

Next came the hard conversation with my "friend". I brought up how I was feeling about my birthday and called out everything he had been avoiding saying but I knew was there. This may be a perfect time to point out that any man who chooses to date me is at a very unfair advantage because I'm so highly intuitive, and a lot of times I pick up on things they're not even aware of. God also has a way of showing me the truth of someone's true intentions, whether it comes from that person directly or through another person, the truth always comes out.

So for what felt like the hundredth time, I asked him if he had feelings for me that extended beyond friendship and if they were the motivation behind spoiling me for my birthday. Finally, with a sigh, he admitted his feelings but that conversation abruptly ended when I reiterated that I didn't feel the same way. Exit stage left for several months, and when he finally came back around, a whole lot more truth came with it that explained all of the weirdness I was feeling.

Truth was shared that he was still struggling to let go of his last ex and was hoping that by reinvesting his romantic energy into building a connection with me it would somehow help him finally move on from his attachment to her. Ick. Don't do this people! It's never okay to use another person to fill the pain and void left by the loss of a past connection. That explained a lot. I also found out that they were still talking and spending weekends together the entire time he was attempting to woo me under the guise of friendship. Double ick. Triple ick.

After we cleared the air, we came to a mutual understanding that our connection was only meant to be platonic and picked our friendship back up where we left off. It was going well until it wasn't because the feelings he had for me refused to be ignored even though he was trying really hard to shove them down. Of course, as repressed feelings tend to do, they ended up coming out sideways in the form of weird comments at dinner about me being his ideal partner, getting offended when I wouldn't allow him to plan activities with my children, or upset when I refused his offers to go on vacation together.

During his birthday dinner (when I returned the favor by planning and spoiling him all day with all of his favorite things and included his besties in the festivities) I noticed the hidden anger come up when I declined the offer to have my children and I attend his family's summer vacation to the Dell's. Not only would that be completely inappropriate as a friend, but I also had important work obligations that week. I could tell immediately that he was frustrated about me not moving things around for him. That was my last straw and I finally chose to end the friendship for good because it was clear he'd always want something more with me and my boundaries would never be respected.

I'm only sharing all of this information to provide the right amount of context to demonstrate that you can't always tell who or what is good for you based on outward appearances, going by what looks good on paper, or leaning into feelings and impulses. Had I judged both men in that way, I would have set myself up for future lessons in different ways. In both situations, I made the right choice by remaining cautiously optimistic, trusting my intuition, and allowing time to do its thing.

It takes time to allow things to unfold naturally and to have true intentions revealed. Don't fall for the fake shine of "fools gold" by diving headfirst into a job change, move, or relationship before you understand what you're getting yourself into or signing up for.

And speaking of fake treasure...do you remember when I said earlier that I had a fun story to share from my coffee stop on my birthday?

So there was a guy we randomly sat with at the coffee shop on my birthday because the place was so busy. Well as luck would have it, my "friend" got his number and ended up setting my bestie and him up on a date because he thought there was chemistry between them. They ended up having a great time, so he was right, but she wanted kids someday and he was snipped, so it didn't go anywhere after that. Instead, she set me up with him because he was so much fun and knows I'm looking to align with a man who doesn't want or can't have children of their own.

Fast-forward to the night we went out. We had a great night and he was a ton of fun, however, this man was a walking red flag and dumpster fire all at the same time. Love bombing, grandiosity, future-faking, machismo, and extremely controlling behavior to name a few all came out on date numero uno. It was so bad but he was wrapped in a very appealing package. I can see why some women fall for him, but looks can be deceiving.

Do you also recall how I said earlier that God always reveals the truth to me? Well, a couple of days later I received an intuitive nudge urging me to check that Facebook page that is not to be named. (IYKYK) My friend had checked to make sure he hadn't been posted before she went out with him but I never did. I followed that nudge, looked him up, and guess what...HE WAS POSTED that same night we had gone out! All horrible things too about how he was physically and emotionally abusive, an alcoholic, super controlling, and so on. I asked the anonymous poster if she could DM me and she did.

This is where the divine protection from God gets even harder to explain away...

The person who posted the guy was a...too-too-too-toooooooom... A FORMER CLIENT OF MINE. I literally helped her process her trauma from being with this motherf*cker that I had just gone out on a date with over a year prior! Insert a million screaming in-horror emojis here.

I knew EVERYTHING about this man and their relationship dynamic and it was all horrible.

And the story gets even worse. Not only did I discover that he was in a full-fledged relationship with a woman in another state (he lived in two BTW) but he was serial dating in both states. At least three additional women reached out to me letting me know they were in what they thought was an exclusive relationship with this "catch" of a man. So, so gross.

Thankfully I listened to my gut, which is never wrong these days, and God showed me what was for me and what wasn't. I appreciate that the truth came quickly with that last one and I'm proud that I didn't allow myself to get swept up in his charm. I could have easily ignored the red flags because he was so appealing.

This example is another reason that I don't just leap into a relationship either. It takes time, consistency, compatibility, and intention to cultivate a healthy connection. What's good and real takes time to explore, and what's toxic tends to start and end with a flash of passion.

Moral of this very long story: failing to pause and look beyond what lies on the surface leaves you susceptible to going down a path that's potentially not in alignment with your highest good.

Just like I needed to allow space and time to do its thing to reveal the true depth of this story, big decisions like your career, family, and partnership require time to unfold. Sometimes that time is shorter and other times it's longer, but time truly does reveal the truth if you allow it.

So I urge you to squash the desire to rush toward an end goal simply to have immediate gratification just because you want it now or it comes in an appealing package. If you fail to slow down and regularly tune in, you just might miss the subtle clues helping you recognize what is a blessing and what's another lesson.

I encourage you to dive deep and discover what's lurking below the surface. Sometimes you hit real gold or a gem, and other times it's just another rock covered in a shiny, appealing, and deceptive package.