Third-Parties
There's a fine line between healthy advice and support from others and something potentially harmful or manipulative because it's part of a personal agenda. While the concept of third-party interference isn't new by any means, it's something to be mindful of when choosing to integrate any outside perspective as your own. Even people you trust, such as family or long-term friends, can plant seeds of doubt or lead you astray because they're projecting their fear and pain onto you or want to interfere with your life to fulfill their selfish desires.
So, how do you know if you can trust that the advice or direction shared is for your highest good? Any time you look outside yourself for answers, you're opening up to potential misalignment and actively choosing to give your power away if you allow the advice to override your intuition and desires. When you look externally for validation or guidance, you're not taking on the responsibility of your decision and avoiding accountability for the outcome. Sometimes this is due to a fear of rejection or abandonment, and other times it stems from unconscious codependency patterns. Being more concerned about what others want, feel, or how your decision will impact them over what you desire leaves you living life for others and not for yourself.
Being vulnerable, open, and sharing ourselves fully and authentically is an essential component of all healthy relationships. Through authentic relating, we allow ourselves to be heard, seen, and valued while giving the other person the gift of receiving and witnessing. Connecting with others can bring healthy perspective, validation, and provide us with a confidence boost to move towards what we want.
Being intentional about seeking feedback from others to enhance personal growth, decision-making, or relationships is a healthy way to seek outside support. Here are some specific examples of when seeking external opinions/advice is healthy:
Seeking Expertise: Gaining professional perspectives can help you navigate even the toughest situations where you lack personal knowledge or experience. Working with a therapist, financial planner, career coach, health professional, lawyer, or any other professional will give you informed guidance, potentially helping you avoid costly mistakes.
Gaining New Perspectives + Avoiding Biases: When we seek opinions outside ourselves it helps us recognize and counteract our biases and siloed perspectives. Being open to new perspectives can help you see a situation from a different angle you hadn't previously considered because of your presumptions, personal beliefs, emotions, or preferences.
Stress Relief: Seeking emotional comfort and perspective during difficult times through connecting with friends, family, or a therapist can help ease the discomfort felt during stressful times. When we are stressed there's also a general feeling of overwhelm, so speaking with others can help you unravel the confusing emotions and dynamics of a complex or confusing situation.
Building Stronger Relationships: Asking for relationship advice from people you respect and trust can help you improve your communication, resolve misunderstandings, and help you see how your behavior might be affectingthe relationship. Be cautious with this advice though because it's only helpful when the person understands the relationship dynamics and has a healthy perspective.
Boosts Confidence + Helps Make Informed Decisions: When you're uncertain, seeking opinions from others can help validate your thoughts, opinions, and decisions. Sometimes feeling supported or validated is just the boost you need to confidently move forward with YOUR choice.
Enhancing Emotional Awareness: When your emotions are running high it's hard to see the situation clearly. Seeking the opinion of a trusted person can help you gain clarity, emotional perspective, and become more objective. Sometimes stress or fear can cause your reaction to be disproportional to the situation so friends and family can help you assess if your reaction was justified.
Recognizing when the advice from someone is toxic or personally motivated can be confusing and difficult to navigate, especially if it's coming from someone you trust; but if you're willing to take a step back to consider what potential personal motivation they might have in the advice offered it's easier to see the potential distortion. While those closest to you might feel like they understand you and your life dynamics just as well as you do, it's never the reality. Separating what is "their stuff" (values, needs, fears, biases, beliefs, etc.) from your own is a good place to start to see if the opinions or advice is beneficial to you or not. There can be enmeshment that happens in families and close relationships, so be mindful of control, manipulation, and entitlement that is disguised as "having your best interests at heart."
Here are some common examples of toxic or unhealthy third-party distortions:
Envious or Controlling Friends: While we would love to believe that everyone around us wants the best for us and would never interfere with our happiness, that's not always the case. Envious, controlling, or jealous friends are toxic for many reasons, but they are dangerous to our lives when they knowingly sabotage good opportunities due to selfish motivations. This could be because their ego doesn't want you to be in a better position than them because of how it makes them feel insecure. Perhaps they fear change in your life because they are afraid of how it could impact their relationship with you. Or maybe they resent your happiness because it shines a light on their unhappiness. If you are romantically interested in someone or newly in a relationship, these friends might make comments like "We never see you anymore," "Man, you've changed since dating XYZ," "Are you sure you want to give up your freedom,", or anything else to plant seeds of doubt in your mind about the person you're with or considering dating isn't good for you. These comments tend to come from people who are single and bitter, resentful, or who directly benefit from you staying in the same lifestyle with them (partying vs. settling down, single friends, or anyone who doesn't want you to make space for someone or something new).
Controlling Parents or Family: Be cautious of parents or family members who like to meddle or are overly opinionated about the decisions you make in life. Unfortunately, some family members, while well-meaning, project their desires or fears onto you and are super controlling and overly opinionated as a result. This might feel like a sense of entitlement to have a say in who you date, the type of career you choose, where you live, or any other major life decision you make. Perhaps they offer unsolicited advice or are pushing you down a certain path, either way, what you want and need aren't considered above what they desire for you. Comments such as "I know what's best for you," "You should get back together with XYZ because you were much happier with them," "See I told you XYZ wouldn't work out, you should've listened to me," and "I talked to XYZ at ABC company and got you an interview for X position, I think you should take it," are examples of how this behavior might manifest as.
Ex-Partners: I have a lot of opinions on exes and why it's unhealthy to keep them in your life unless you have children together, but in a nutshell, it's impossible to ever cut all the emotional ties and attachments to someone you were romantically involved with and move into a completely platonic connection. Even if there isn't physical intimacy, there will always be emotional intimacy which keeps both people emotionally unavailable to new people to some extent. Even the most cordial exes can cause unnecessary disharmony with new romantic partners, so why even risk having that person interfere with your new life when they already proved themselves to not be in alignment? It's always best to completely let go and close the door on the past. Some exes struggle to let go and move on from the connection even long after the breakup, often meddling and offering unsolicited advice to deter you from pursuing someone new because they don't want you to move on.
Toxic People in the Workplace: Competition within the career space breeds several opportunities for colleagues or business partners to be rivals or try to negatively influence your decisions or reputation for personal gain. Tread very carefully in this space because your work colleagues are not your friends. Some workplace rivals spread unsavory gossip or rumors to get others to doubt your integrity, work ethic, or abilities while others might choose to covertly plant seeds of doubt regarding your abilities that cause you to self-sabotage work opportunities they want.
Romantically Interested "Friends": I know this may come as a shocker to some of you reading this, but not everyone who is your friend wants to only be your friend. Generally speaking, there is usually some level of romantic or sexual interest on one or both ends of people who are "just friends" with those of the sex they prefer. Those who have a romantic interest in you will eventually cross boundaries or subtly undermine your relationship in hopes of driving a wedge between you and your partner. If you are treating your "friends" the way you would treat a partner or vice versa, that's a clear indication that there are more feelings between you than what is being presented on the surface. The best thing you can do in this situation is to become honest with yourself about your feelings and if they have shifted or create the opportunity for the other person to be open about if they want more from the connection. This is a gray area and every person has unique views on what's okay when it comes to maintaining friendships of your preferred sexual orientation, so open communication and healthy boundaries are key in navigating this space skillfully. Knowingly maintaining a friendship with someone you have a romantic interest in (or you are aware they are romantically interested in you) is micro-cheating if you're in a partnership making it unhealthy and inappropriate to maintain that connection.
Third-party distortions are also more than people; it's anything that creates a block or distorts the natural flow and harmony in any area of your life. Addictions, work, codependency, unresolved trauma, or anything that disrupts the harmony or balance in your life can be considered a third party. Whenever you are doing "too much" of one thing you are likely doing "too little" everywhere else in your life. While sometimes being hyper-focused on one thing is needed, staying there for too long and ignoring your other obligations will undoubtedly cause those areas of your life to suffer. This is why if you are overly committed to your career there isn't enough space for your loved ones or to develop a romantic relationship. If you struggle with an addiction, the addiction is the only priority and all other aspects of your life fall apart.
Unresolved trauma is that negative voice in your head (the ego) telling you not to believe that this time, person, or situation is different because you were hurt in the past by making a similar choice. By not resolving painful experiences, your trauma keeps you chained to your past by avoiding the present out of fear that the same pattern will repeat; ultimately shrouding everyone and everything in a cloud of your unresolved pain. This makes it impossible to see other people or the present moment clearly, distorting even the most beautiful connections and experiences into something they are not.
While we can never control the actions, feelings, or choices of others, we do have control over how we allow others to influence us. Being overly concerned about what other people might think or say about your life choices is a clear indicator that you have some codependency wounds to address. Not being able to confidently move forward in life or towards what you desire is a clear indicator that you have unresolved trauma from your past still influencing you today. Being unwilling or unable to close out relationships and cycles that no longer serve you is a clear indicator that you don't trust yourself, fear rejection or abandonment, or don't believe you are worthy of the life and love you desire.
Shift your focus as much as you can away from others when making important life decisions. Remember, only you have to live with the outcomes of your choices. Do not live a life for other people or you will live to regret it! Trust yourself and what you know in your heart to be right for you above everyone and everything else, always.
