The Path to Unconditional Love Through Unconditional Self Love
Unconditional love. You know, the kind of love that’s continuously expressing, expanding, nurturing, free of judgment, and never abandons. We all want it, but how do you actually achieve it? Would you believe me if I told you that you can begin to experience this love right now even if you don’t have a romantic partner?
If you’ve been looking outside of yourself to experience the beauty and freedom of unconditional love, then I’m willing to bet that you still haven’t found it. A loving partnership is easy to maintain when everything is going well, but the true test of the strength and love in every partnership is when hardships or challenges arise.
Our capacity to love anyone outside ourselves is directly correlated with the depth in which we love ourselves. If we cannot accept and love any aspect of ourselves, then we reject it in others. The only way to truly experience unconditional love is to first have unconditional self-love.
So what is unconditional self-love? It’s defined as not just merely liking yourself on the surface, but rather loving and accepting yourself unconditionally, irrespective of whatever flaws you may think you have. Basically you’re practicing radical self-acceptance. You understand that your perceived flaws don’t make you any less lovable and that they actually deserve your loving attention more than the parts of you that you already accept.
When I was in my early twenties and found myself dating for the first time as a single mom, my sense of self-worth was pretty low. I consistently dated low-bar men because I didn’t believe that I was allowed to have a really great partner. I was tainted in a way. What guy in their early 20’s would want to date a single mom when they could date any other attractive woman without the complication of a child?
I would consistently push away really great men because I felt I was undeserving of their love. I deemed myself not good enough and decided not to even try because it wouldn’t last once they found out I had a young daughter. Why even bother? I thought I was saving myself from heartbreak, but really, I was shutting myself off from love by rejecting myself in the process. Had I just accepted myself as a young single mother, I would’ve saved myself a lot of actual pain.
You see, this story plays out every day in relationships all over the world. The narrative is different but the underlying reason is always the same - a lack of unconditional self-love. When we choose to reject a part of our being, we’re telling ourselves that this trait makes us unworthy of love. That no one will love you because this “one thing” is so terrible that it overshadows and negates all the wonderful things that make you who you are. That is simply not true, but it is an invitation for you to lean in and to love yourself more.
In order to do this, you must become intimate with the parts of yourself that you reject. Once you can accept yourself as a whole person, perceived flaws and all, that’s when you’re truly open and ready to invite unconditional love into a partnership.
Once you’re no longer rejecting any part of yourself, then you also have the ability to hold compassion and empathy for your partner when they need it. This also means that you’re open to receiving the love that your partner is giving. This type of love is so healing and freeing because you finally have a safe person to fall apart with and grow together with all at the same time. It’s truly beautiful.
— Cyndi
