It’s Just a Pair of Socks
Recently I had an experience when a man I barely knew gifted me a pair of socks. It was a rather unexpected interaction from the owner of the coffee shop I frequent in my neighborhood. He’s at least 30 years older than me and has seen me with my partner on several occasions, so I was caught off guard by his advances to say the least.
A couple weeks ago, I stopped at the coffee shop to grab my morning latte and breakfast. The owner made small talk by asking me about my weekend plans and what type of food I liked to eat while he was making my latte. He has always been super friendly; thus, the conversation wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. After I was done paying, the owner surprised me by simply stating “I should make some Turkish food for you sometime.” I smiled, thanked him for my breakfast, and left. It didn’t yet sink in that he may have made an intimate advance.
Later that day, I discussed the strange interaction with my partner, and we just laughed it off. Neither of us thought much of the interaction until the following morning when the man gave me a gift bag along with my morning coffee. Inside that gift bag was a pair of soft, wool orange and pink socks from the boutique up the block. When he handed me the bag, he made mention that the gift was to help keep me warm during the winter. Neither my partner nor I appreciated that added innuendo.
The line had been officially crossed from a friendly and unassuming neighborhood business owner to a man actively pursuing me. I started thinking through all of my recent interactions with him and assessed possibly where I didn’t practice healthy boundaries. It’s not lost on me that at some point over the past couple months I somehow gave him the impression that I was available and/or interested because, generally speaking, people don’t go out of their way to make an advance unless they feel that there’s a good probability that the answer will be yes. No one enjoys rejection.
After some reflection, I determined that I was merely being friendly and personable, never flirtatious, but I did divulge my whereabouts for the weekend. There was nothing wrong with our interaction per say; however, I did inform him that I’d be back the next two mornings at the same time. By speaking about my weekend plans and timing, he knew exactly when to be present to give me the gift. I think it’s safe to assume that had I not told him exactly when I’d be back to his store, I would have been less likely to have received a gift from him.
From my perspective, it’s clear that I’m unavailable and not in his pool of dating options based upon our age difference alone. Yet, he made a very bold advance and continues to be persistent in asking to cook me dinner and getting to know me on a personal level despite my rejecting his advances. The underlying issue here is that we’re living in two very different realities with varied intentions.
When I had initially discussed this situation with my partner, I was shocked to learn that he supported a potential dinner with this man because he felt the man was harmless and just looking for companionship.
This man never directly asked me out. It wasn’t until the following morning when I was given the socks that my partner rescinded his previous statement.
For me the boundary had been crossed at being asked out for dinner and for my partner it was the gifted socks. From my partner’s perspective, he was still just a man behind the counter making me coffee and being friendly. The owner’s initial advances weren’t any cause for concern because he never directly extended an advance or invite; it was merely suggested. Everything was in the context of doing good business, and for all we knew, the food would’ve been served at his establishment.
I knew right away that the subcontext behind his offer to make me Turkish food was in fact an advance and didn’t need the gifted socks to confirm his interest in me. Between my intuition and wisdom gained over the years, it wasn’t a far stretch for me to believe that this man was indeed asking me out on a date.
That got me thinking about the importance of communicating and working with our partner to determine what healthy boundaries to set with others in our lives, especially those connections we have with people who find us attractive. Healthy boundaries are essential in order to maintain the integrity of those relationships and our own partnership. The intentions and integrity of any outsider determines the boundary needed.
Open communication with our partner is always the key to navigating this tricky area successfully. Because I honestly disclosed the cafe interactions to my partner, he could see I had integrity; I was worthy of his trust.
There’s also a huge difference between setting a boundary and establishing a wall. A boundary isn’t permanent and may be adjusted when the situation calls for it, whereas a wall is permanent and requires deconstruction in order to change. Boundaries are healthy for all relationships and allow for expansion, but walls keep people out and keeps us from seeing all the possibilities. Without healthy boundaries, others have harmful access to you or your partner despite your relationship status.
We’re both attractive and charismatic individuals. These situations will likely continue. Navigating these situations together brings us closer. The integrity of our partnership is what comes first. The moment either one of us feels uncomfortable with another individual, we communicate it clearly and work together as a team to determine how to move forward. Each situation has and will continue to be different, but the one thing that remains constant is our dedication to maintaining the health of our partnership.
Healthy boundaries keep us all safe and in our own lane within the context of relationships. Boundaries establish what we can expect.
— Cyndi
