Healing Fantasies

Have you heard of this concept before? If not, be prepared for the BS and unhealthy connections or situations you've put yourself through to potentially make sense.

Essentially, healing fantasies are those stories we tell ourselves as children born from an immature and disempowered place of wishing, hoping, and praying that if only people, circumstances, or our environment were different, we'd be happy, loved, protected, and valued. Of course, there're many nuances here, but I'm sure you get the general idea. This is a common coping mechanism for many children who grew up in highly dysfunctional, neglectful, toxic, abusive, and addiction-filled homes with emotionally immature and unavailable parents.

Maybe the light bulb has turned on for you already, and perhaps it's just dim - but I highly suggest reading on because this is such a common thing.

Creating and living in a fantasy world as a child where someone comes to save you from an abusive home, your parent finally gives you the affection and support you need, or your family suddenly wins the lottery all serve the purpose of helping you cope with the unfavorable circumstances you experienced as a child to persevere due to the lack of control and ability to change the circumstances yourself. These fantasies likely never came true as children, and as you matured, you locked them away deep into your subconscious, eventually forgetting they even existed.

The problems arise later in life when your "shadow fantasies" begin running the show when selecting your partners, friends, career, and environment - causing massive misalignment (although it serves a greater purpose to bring them into your awareness) and a lot of pain along the way. This is also a form of projection or blame-shifting your pain onto your partner rather than taking responsibility for your healing.

Let's say you had a parent that was always working and never prioritized the family. You likely were parentified (expected to take on adult responsibilities beyond what's age appropriate) and expected to put your needs and childhood aside to help manage the home for the greater good of the family. This scenario likely created several wounds around feeling like your needs don't matter, self-abandonment, unworthiness, feeling unimportant, unloved, neglected, and abandoned.

The crazy thing is that this program will keep running your life until you become aware and create a new, healthier program for yourself - one where you're worthy of love and are valued, heard, and seen.

Until you have that AHA moment, you'll engage with people, places, and experiences that reinforce your healing fantasy and reject ones that are healthy for you.

So, going back to the example, you'll likely choose partners that don't consider or value your needs, abandon you, are emotionally unavailable, and don't prioritize you. You'll also feel like you carry all the weight in the relationship because the partner you chose is overly self-focused and possesses a sense of entitlement. You will likely engage in codependent behaviors and self-abandonment to chase this person, change, or fix them to 'earn' their love.

The storyline of your healing fantasy is this: "My love is so powerful that it'll change them into the person I desire" or "They'll change for me because I'm special and different from anyone they've met." Have you ever met a "Pick Me" girl before? Yup, that's also this.

Again, all of this is a subconscious program playing out. The person you're with likely has their own storyline interfering with the authenticity of the connection too. It's good to be mindful of not putting your healing work onto the other person you're partnered with because it's not their burden to carry. Your healing is always your responsibility and vice versa.

If you don't bring awareness and work through your healing fantasies or unhealthy patterns in a relationship, they'll just come up again with your next partner for healing. Be self-aware and do your inner work to avoid projecting your BS onto another person. Remember, your experience is never about another - it's always about you and what your soul is trying to reclaim and bring into your awareness for your growth and evolution.

And if you're reading this and find yourself in a relationship that fits this theme, take a deep breath and know it doesn't mean you need to throw it away. As long as both of you are committed to healing your patterns together (since you each possess the polarity of the same pattern) then there's an opportunity to cultivate a beautiful and long-lasting partnership. If addictions, abuse, ego, lack of humility, or unwillingness are present, the relationship is already over, and it's best for both people to part ways and heal separately.

Stay present and grounded in relationships and take things slow. Make sure you genuinely want to partner with the other person for the right reasons and not because you're casting someone for a role in your healing fantasy.